A middle-aged WASP examines his Life, his heart and his home. Sometimes it all makes perfect sense. Not lately, though.

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Monday, October 31, 2005

R U Listening, Ms J?

I made a Quiz for you! I found the idea on PBS's blog. I hope we all do it!

Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!

Oh, and Happy Hallowe'en!

***

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Sunday, October 30, 2005

My Kids: Who Are They?

I don't know my kids anymore. I used to know them, Ms J. I used to know their favourite foods and music and clothes. I knew them. Both Daniel and Meagan. And they knew me. We were comfortable together. We could sit close together and hold hands or share conversation. But it's not that way anymore. It just doesn't feel easy and relaxed these days. It feels awkward and difficult.

I had dinner with Meagan tonight. I drove to Acton and picked her up about 5:30. She had remembered my offer from last week and called earlier today to ask what time I'd be coming for her. I'm glad she remembered our plan. That shows she thinks about me when we're not together.

The service was deplorable in the restaurant. It took a full hour to get our food after we'd ordered it. Meagan was loquacious at first, babbling on about her friends at school and about the party she'd attended at Scott's. But after a while, she ran out of things to tell me and it became awkward. It was strange, you know. I never imagined a time when we wouldn't feel comfortable together. My attempt to restart the conversation met with limited success.

"So where is everybody tonight, Scout? Is Dan working?"

"Yeah. He's working til ten o'clock."

"What about Tim? Where's he then? Home?"

"No. He went to see his mother with Emily. They've been gone all weekend."

"And Mum? Where'd she go? With Tim?"

Meagan hesitated. Not much, but enough to make me think she was hiding something.

"No. Mum's away for the weekend."

I decided to be nosy.

"Yeah?" I said. "Where did she go?"

"Just out, Dad. She's away for a couple of days."

I continued to pry, although I knew it was none of my business. Call it a morbid curiosity. I tried to sound disinterested.

"Did she go by herself?"

"Yeah. She just went to ... to visit a friend."

I dropped the subject and took a long drink of my iced tea. Seems to me that if you're hiding something, it's because you know it's wrong. We don't try to cover up the good things we do, do we? We only hide things when our behaviour is improper. I wondered who was really guilty of subterfuge here. Was Meagan acting alone to protect her mother? Or had Kelly given Meagan instructions to keep quiet around me?

No matter, really. Someone was lying. I haven't been able to trust Daniel since last winter's shenanigans. I had hoped Meagan would always be forthright with me. I guess she's torn between her allegiance to her mum and trying to please her dad. It wasn't fair for me to pry like that. I wish I'd thought to mind my own business.

When we left the restaurant, we drove to the drug store where Dan works. We found him re-stocking the milk in the dairy aisle. He seemed less than pleased to see us. I'm not sure why. Maybe he's angry with me for not being happy about his pregnant girlfriend. I bought some Hallowe'en candy and left.

I reflected on this day as I drove home. Dan is far from me these days. We are not as close as we were when he was a child. I wonder if we'll ever find that kind of relationship again. The Truth, Ms Journal, is that I miss my son. But I just can't bring myself to spend much time with him anymore.

And Meagan. Well, it seems she's on her way to join her brother in a place I cannot visit even for a minute. Adolescence is a very exclusive club. No adults allowed. I have no choice but to wait until my kids become adults. Hopefully, when they leave the adolescence society, they'll return to me. I'll be here. Waiting and loving them. And I'm sure they both know that.

***

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Saturday, October 29, 2005

A Full Day

I had a busy day today. I spent the morning at a workshop. No, not that kind of workshop. There was no sawdust or loud machines. It was a workshop to learn how to supervise a student minister of The United Church of Canada. We have an intern minister at our church. Her name is Carla and she's absolutely wonderful. We're delighted to have her. I'm on the lay supervisory committee, along with Carla and four other women. I'm thrilled to be part of something I think is important. We're working with Carla to help her become the best minister she can be. She's learning from us. And we're learning from her. It's really quite interesting. The workshop was really called "The Toronto Conference Committee on Internship and Supervised Ministry Orientation Event." But I prefer "workshop."

We met with teams from five other churches and discussed methods and problems of supervising a student minister. We learned about the internship process and about conflict resolution. We shared stories and enjoyed a fabulous lunch.

You know, Ms J, sometimes I wonder if I might like to become a minister. But I'm reluctant to make such a huge career change at this point in my Life. I'm 47 years old. Could I return to school and get a Master of Divinity degree? Could I afford to do it? Oh man, I'm getting butterflies in my stomach even as I ponder it! Maybe I'll just keep driving a train and go to church on Sunday and sit in the pews.




This afternoon, I went over to Cyril's house. Cy is a friend and neighbour. It was Cy who played the guitar and sang with me at church last summer. Cy had company already when I arrived. His mate, Jeff, was there. Jeff plays the guitar too. And Michelle. Michelle likes to sing. So Cy and Jeff played and Michelle and I sang. We sang Bob Dylan. We sang Buddy Holly. And The Band. And we drank beer. It was brilliant, Ms J! I hated to come home.

My Life. I'm still lovin' it! Tomorrow, it's dinner with Meagan. Maybe Dan too.

G' night, Ms J.

***

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Friday, October 28, 2005

Some People Say the Dumbest Things

Morning, Ms J. Some people really do come up with some doozies, don't they? My sister-in-law once asked the butcher for "about a kilometre" of sausage. The man behind the counter offered her a correction.

"Do you mean a kilogram?" he asked.

Linda furrowed her brow and scratched her head.

"No," she said. "I'm pretty sure it's a kilometre I need."

I don't know for certain how things turned out that day, but I don't recall hearing my brother complain about having to store half a mile of sausage in a small fridge. Linda must have gotten a kilogram instead. About 2.2 pounds.

Yogi Berra was an American baseball player. A catcher. He is without a doubt, the most widely quoted man in baseball. His Yogi-isms are among the dumbest ever spoken. Here are some of his most famous gaffs:

"It ain't over til it's over."

"Never answer an anonymous letter."

"I usually take a two hour nap between 1 and 4."

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

"I didn't really say everything I said."

"You can observe a lot by watching."

"You mean now?" in response to being asked what time it is.

"The future ain't what it used to be."

"It gets late early out there."

"Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded."

Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical."

And in response to New York mayor John Lindsay's wife complimenting him on appearing cool on a sweltering afternoon: "Thanks. You don't look too hot yourself."

***

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Thursday, October 27, 2005

Thinking Warm Thoughts ...

... is not enough. I need a new furnace.

I just spoke to a man at Sipco Fuels, a Canadian company that offers petroleum products for, among other things, home comfort. My friend and neighbour, Joan, recommends them. Joan was a big help to me months ago when I needed to visit the physiotherapist regularly. She took me to the hospital too, for my appointments with Dr. Roscoe. Remember?

"Good afternoon. Sipco."

"Hello," I said. "I need some home comfort. Badly. Can you help me?"

The man laughed. And I explained further.

"Do you think I might benefit from a new furnace?" I asked, finally.

"How old is your furnace?" he said.

I told him it had once been a coal furnace, converted many years ago to burn oil.

"Then I can guarantee you'll benefit from a new one. I installed a new furnace in my own home last winter. It replaced a furnace that was twenty-four years old. We're saving up to ... are you ready for this? ...up to $200 per month. PER MONTH! I'm not kidding."

I was astounded, Ms J. $200 per month? It sounded almost too good to be true. Yeah. Come to think of it now, it does seem a bit exaggerated. But what the hell? The furnace I have is old. It's bound to be inefficient.

"How much does a new furnace cost?" I asked him. I was shocked by his answer.

"About $5000."

"Really? I didn't think it would be that much."

"Yeah. About five grand," he said. "Give or take."

They don't have a monthly payment plan, so I'll have to borrow from the bank. That's OK. I'll pay it off in a year or two. Probably two. And I'll tell my fuel oil supplier that I want to enroll in their "equal billing" plan. That way, I'll get a fuel bill every month, instead of only for seven months or so. Spread the cost throughout the entire year.

Yes. I think that might be more manageable. And I'd have a furnace that would last for another fifty years. The man - his name is Bob - is coming over tomorrow afternoon.

***

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Wednesday, October 26, 2005

HELP!!!

I checked my email before bed on Monday night. It was about 11:00. I found a letter from Meagan. The subject line was "HELP!!!" So I opened it.

Dad, I need you to call my house as soon as you read this!!! I'm having big
trouble with Mom and I want to run away. PLEASE CALL!!! If mom answers say
you want to know if we're still on for this weekend, okay? Thanx, bye.


"Run away?" It was late, Ms J. 11:00. Too late to call? Maybe. But I was concerned about my girl. I checked to see when it was sent. 7:04 pm. Four hours ago. I shrugged my shoulders and reached for the phone. Kelly answered.

"Hi Kelly," I said. "Is everything OK with Meagan ...? For next weekend, I mean."

And for the next ten minutes, I endured Kelly's tales of servitude and self-sacrifice. I suffered through a long dissertation on the importance of "living right", and then I heard about Maxine and how she doesn't want to live in that home for unwed mothers any longer and how Dan is pressuring Kelly to take Maxine back into her home, and about Kelly's ongoing plan to "get her Life together" and about Scott, her estranged husband. I've put asterisks to denote the parts about which I couldn't care less.

"I just don't want her here, Dale.* I don't need the extra aggravation.* My Life is stressful enough with Baby Emily and Dan,* and my sister's a drunk* and I really don't like the way she lives.* And I'm trying really hard to get my Life together, but Scott's having problems with Cindy, his new girlfriend.* She might move back to Ohio.* Poor Scott's heart is broken.* He's still my friend, you know.*** Even though a marriage doesn't work out, it doesn't mean people can't still be friends."**********************

Blah, blah, blah. Oh my word, Ms Journal. The woman can talk all day without ever saying a bloody thing. Her mouth is like a barn door in a wind storm. I managed to insert a word or two amid her barrage of bullshit.

"Is Scout still awake?"

"Meagan?"

"Could I speak with Meagan?"

I asked three or four times before she finally relinquished the phone to my daughter. I wish I could find the courage to tell Kelly that I just don't care to hear about her pathetic Life. If it doesn't directly affect Daniel or Meagan, I don't want to hear about it. But she'd get angry and fight with me, and then she'd run crying to Dan and Scout telling them how cruel and apathetic their father is. So I put up with it.

And finally, "Hello?"

It was Meagan's voice.

"I've got it, Mum. Hang up please."

Kelly had to show me again what an exemplary parent she is.

"OK, Sweetie."

Her saccharine voice was dripping with sticky sanctimony.

"Daddy wants to ask you about the weekend. He really wants to spend some time with you. But don't forget about Scott's party on Saturday. I love you, honey. Bye."

You know, Ms Journal, every word that woman speaks is painful for me to listen to. I literally wince as her words come to me. "Let it go," I tell myself. "Just let it go."

"Hi Scout," I said when I was sure Kelly had gone. "What's going on? Are you alright?"

"Fine, Dad. Why?"

I began to explain about the email she'd sent earlier, but she interrupted me.

"Oh that. No, I was fighting with Mum, that's all. Well, she was fighting with me. Whatever. It's all good now, Dad. No worries."

Jeez. I guess in the Life of a teenage girl, crises occur along with great drama and dire predictions. But the situation, it seems, is quickly brought under control. Flare-ups. A bright flash of fire and then peace is again restored.

It's all good now, Dad. No worries.

I shook my head. So much drama. I hope she's not becoming like her mother that way. I moved the conversation along.

"What about the weekend, Scout?" I asked. "Can I pick you up on Friday? Mum said something about a party. What party?"

"Oh that. Well Scotty's having a Hallowe'en party at his house on Saturday night so I'll be sleeping over on Saturday. At his house. I prob'ly won't be home til Sunday afternoon. But we could have dinner or something if you want. On Sunday."

I felt a twinge of jealousy. OK, more than a twinge, actually. It hurts that Meagan wants to spend time with her step dad. I know it's wrong to feel that way, Ms J. But I do. I feel jealous of Scott. The guy is Kelly's ex, for goodness sake. Why doesn't he just quietly disappear into the sunset?

I know why. He loves my kids. That's why. He lived with them for nearly ten years. Is it wrong to have more people who love my kids? Of course not. I know that. But it still bugs me that Scott is involved in Meagan's Life.

Those are not really my feelings. Those are the feelings of the frightened, insecure Dad who lives inside me. I still love that frightened Dad, but he frustrates me sometimes.

I'm collecting my daughter on Sunday afternoon at 4:00. We're going to a nice restaurant for dinner.

***

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Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Two Plays!


L-R: Christine, Frankie, Bob, Alex.

I had company for dinner last night. Four friends, actors all. Girl Alex wants to go to South America. Guyana. She hopes to raise enough money to travel there in February. Alex is an adventurous lass. And she loves to help people who are less fortunate than she.

"How do you plan to raise the money, G.A?" I asked her recently.

"I'll put on a play, Dale. I know lots of actors and I love acting too. Yeah. I'll put on a play and sell tickets."

I must admit, Ms J. I was a little skeptical at first. But Alex is a determined young woman. When she puts her mind to something, she generally makes it happen. She has secured a performance/rehearsal space (my church here in Mimico). She has four actors who have committed to the project. She's gotten a band to come out and play. Even her friend/room mate has offered to help. The show will open on November 26.

So now I'm involved in two plays. I hope I haven't bitten off more than I can chew. I adore Girl Alex and I'm so pleased to be able to help her this way. Besides, we've all done this play before. Four years ago, actually. It is the single best play I have ever done. We all loved it the first time round. And we're all looking forward to working together to remount it, albeit a scaled-down version. So last night was our first production meeting. We got a lot of basics sorted out. And we shared a meal together.

I love my friends. I love to act. And I love my Life.

We'll be awesome!

***

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Sunday, October 23, 2005

Cheese and Chocolate

OK then. Let me describe my Saturday.

Oh crap, Ms J. My coffee's gone stone cold while I was reading blogs. Hang on. I'll go downstairs and warm it up again in the microwave. (Damn, it's cold in here. I'm still fighting the urge to put the furnace on. 4C outside. I must be daft.)

Ahhhhh. That's better. Right. Now what was I on about? Oh yes. Saturday. Cheese.

Well, it seems my friends, Kirk and Rey, travel somewhat regularly to the small town of Campbellford, Ontario to buy cheese. Why? I don't know, really. I've never asked them. I suppose they like their cheese fresh from the dairy. And I know that they like ...

Kirk and Rey? You remember Kirk and Rey don't you, Ms Journal? When my leg was broken, I used to visit them twice weekly for dinner and a therapeutic swim in their big pool. Refresh your memory here. Nice couple. Very nice. I am blessed with amazing friends.

Anyway, as I was saying, I know Kirk likes driving. Together he and his wife often explore new destinations by car. Kirk can drive nearly anything with wheels. His license allows him to drive a car, a motorcycle, a truck/trailer combination, even a bus. He once worked for a tour company, taking people by bus to American destinations. I was amazed to learn that he once executed a U-turn (with a huge tour bus) on Chigago's busy Michigan Ave!! My friend is a very good and safe driver.

We left his home around 10:00 on Saturday morning. Kirk and Rey rode in the front, while I shared the back seat with Gail, Kirk's mum. Nice lady. We rode together across the city and the conversation was easy. The weather, however, was not ideal. The steel-grey clouds contained the sunshine and made for a gloomy day. I was in high spirits anyway, thrilled to be off on an adventure with friends.

We stopped for breakfast in the town of Port Hope, about eighty kilometres (50 miles) east of Mimico. Port Hope is a delightful little town on the shore of Lake Ontario. It has preserved much of its downtown architecture and is clearly proud of its Loyalist roots. Kirk and I had dessert after breakfast. Pie! He had coconut cream; I had mincemeat and ice cream. Delicious!

We arrived in Campbellford around noon I guess. The scenery was gorgeous, as the leaves in that area had reached their peak colours.


Kirk, Rey, and Gail pose here by the Trent-Severn Waterway, a river well-travelled by vacationers in the summer months. It connects Lake Ontario with Lake Huron. Very pretty!

It was a shame the sun refused to shine, Ms J. The scenery would have been much prettier in the sunshine. But it was lovely, nonetheless. It rained a bit, but not enough to dampen our spirits. We bought cheese at The Cheese Factory and also visited a local chocolate factory. Collectively, we probably bought fifteen pounds of chocolate! We bought chocolate covered almonds. We bought caramel-filled chocolates. We bought chocolates with cookies inside. We bought A LOT of chocolate, Ms Journal. An obscene amount of chocolate.

"I'll share it with Meagan," I told them. "And with my friends who come to visit."

"Yes," said the others. "It'll make good Christmas gifts. Or maybe we'll give it away at Hallowe'en."

We were all lying. And we all knew it.

It was dinner time when we got home again. Rey and I went to fetch takeout food (Iranian food. Rice and kabobs.) I had a wonderful day. I'm so glad my friends invited me and I hope we can go again.

I'll leave you now with a few more photos of the autumn leaves. Click on 'em to enlarge them.

I'm so full of candy, I may just go and vomit. Scout is coming next weekend, I hope. She'll help me eat some chocolate. I can count on that.


*


*


A suspension bridge across the gorge. The river's current is used to produce hydro-electricity for Campbellford.


Upstream from the bridge.


A dam in a nearby hamlet. "Dartford" said the sign. A mill there had burned recently.


This car is very fast, Ms J. It's a Dodge Magnum. 5.7 litre 340 HP V-8. Oh yes. Very fast indeed.


It was a brilliant Saturday. Good friends. Nice trip. Cheese and chocolate in great abundance. Sunday (today) paled in comparison.

Thanks, Kirk! Thanks, Rey! Good night, Ms J.

***

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Saturday, October 22, 2005

Cheeses of Nazareth

Well it wasn't Nazareth, Ms J. It was Campbellford, actually. But it was a great title, don't you think?

I spent the day with friends - Kirk and Rey, and Kirk's mum, Gail. We drove to a little town called Campbellford in search of delicious, fresh cheese. Cheddar, mostly. We had a brilliant day!

Sorry to make you wait to hear the story, but I'm just home from Kirk's and I'm dead tired. It's been a long day. I'll try to find time to tell you all about it tomorrow. I want to go to church in the morning, and then it's off to Oakville for a rehearsal in the afternoon.

Ta!


Say "cheese"!!

***

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Friday, October 21, 2005

Sumac

Hah! Got yer attention didn't I?

Sumac is a plant. A tree, I reckon. It's pronounced Sue-Mac. Dad calls it shoo-mac. I don't know why. Just to bug me, I s'pose. It's proper name is Staghorn Sumac because the stems are covered with short, reddish-brown hair much like the velvet on a stag's antlers.

Anyway, last year about this time, I posted a story about Sumac. Well actually, it was about a co-worker - Katy - and her angry reaction to the changing leaves on the Sumac trees. If you'd like to read it, click right here.

Gemmak asked then if I might post a pic or two of the resplendent shrubs. I've thought of her request many times since then. It's really difficult to get a photo of the leaves when I'm at work, because it's either too early or too late in the day and not ideal conditions for photography.

However, I did take a couple of shots when I visited my dad a while back. So here, without further ado, is the Sumac bush in my father's back garden. As usual, click on the images to see them full size.


Still lots of green leaves. But not for long!

Try to imagine great expanses of this stuff beside the tracks, Ms J. Both sides of the tracks. With the sunrise as a backdrop. It's really pretty! Look at the leaves close-up:


*

They start out green; shortly, though, as the nights are cool and days sunny, they fade to a yellow and finally bright crimson. It fills me with joy. It makes me gasp and laugh out loud sometimes.


*


A small corner of an amazing canvas, painted just for me and improved slightly, every day!

I hope this helps satisfy your curiosity, Scottie. Sorry it took so long!

***

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Thursday, October 20, 2005

I'm Shaking, Ms Journal.

No, it's not that. Don't worry. I'm fine, really. Kelly's evil spell hasn't affected me yet. I'm shivering because I'm cold. It's cold in this house. I have not yet had the furnace on this season. I'm wearing two pairs of socks, and a heavy sweatshirt. (It's called a "hoodie." Alex taught me that.) And I'm still cold. It's not that cold outside, really. 10C here in Mimico. But it is windy.

This old house is not very warm in winter. It was built, I think, in the 1930's. It has little or no insulation. The windows do not seal very well. The walls are cold to the touch. I plan to seal up the windows with clear plastic as I did last winter. That helps keep the cold draughts at bay. And I've packed some fibreglass insulation around the basement walls. But it's still cold in here.

Why don't you just switch on the furnace, dopey?

I know, I know. That's what you're thinking, Ms J. Isn't it?

Well, I'm really going to try to keep my heating bill manageable this winter. It won't be easy. Last winter, during the coldest months - December to March - I suffered fuel bills as high as $400 per month. This is NOT a big house, Ms J. It's maybe a thousand square feet. Maybe. Less, probably. But it's a bugger to heat.

This year, fuel prices have increased forty to fifty percent. It's conceivable that I might pay nearly $600. per month, in the bitterest months. Bitterest. Most bitter? Whatever. I'm concerned about huge looming oil bills.

I have an oil furnace. You should see the thing. It's positively ancient. In Truth, it was once a coal burning appliance, converted years ago to burn fuel oil. I suppose the furnace itself is as old as the house. Seventy years or so. I'm considering the purchase of a new high-efficiency model which would surely be less thirsty. But it would cost a couple of thousand dollars - which I don't have - and it would be a long time paying for itself through reduced fuel consumption.

Meanwhile, I'll keep the door closed, cover the windows, and put on more clothes. Every day I sit and shiver, is one less day I'll have to pay to heat this place.

Now what'd I do with my long underwear?

***

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Wednesday, October 19, 2005

That play, my ego, and a reflection on aging

Good evening, Ms J.

I went to Oakville last night for the first read-through of the play. There are seven men in the cast, and only three women. Three women, Ms Journal - One is old, one is married and one is ugly. So much for that idea ...

I don't like this play. Remind me never again to audition without first having read the bloody script. My part, Andy Campbell, the police chief, is quite small. I'm on stage a fair bit, but I haven't many lines. The play is a comedy and there are a few funny lines. Unfortunately, I don't get to deliver any of them!

So that's it, Ms J. That's why I don't like this play. Actually, it would be much more accurate to say "That's why my ego doesn't like this play." I have a huge ego and that's a fact. My ego wants centre stage, the limelight, recognition, applause. My ego craves another award for acting.

But I am not my ego.

I remember how good it feels to be the audience favourite. This time Lord, let me help someone else experience that joy.



Here's a reflection I found in my inbox this morning. My sister, June, sent it. I thought it was inspirational. I've made a couple of tiny amendments to personalize it.


Age, I've decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. (Or at least I'm getting there.) Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body ... the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the bald head. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for more hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to over-eat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 a.m., and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the bikini set.

They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten ... and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken.

How can your heart not break when you lose a friend, or when a child suffers, or even when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn grey, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. I can say "no", and mean it. I can say "yes", and mean it.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free.

I like the person I am becoming. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying (too much) about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day.

~ Author unknown ~


Nice, eh? G' night, Ms J.

***

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Tuesday, October 18, 2005

"Failure" ... and success

The Definition of "failure"

No wonder so many people say google's search engine can find anything for you

1- Go to Google (http://www.google.com)
2- Type in the word "Failure"
3- Instead of clicking "Google Search," click "I'm Feeling Lucky."
4- Giggle
5- Spread the word before the people at Google "fix" it.




Tonight's the first read-through of my new play. "Yesteryear." I play the role of "randy" Andy Campbell, the city police chief. I haven't read the script yet, but I'm told it's a Canadian play, written by a woman, and set in Saskatchewan in 1948. I'll let you know how it goes.

No apology today from the Wicked Witch of the West. I won't hold my breath. I did the shopping for the food bank today and carried it all successfully up the stairs at church. I took EXTRA care coming down; thank goodness, nothing bad happened.

***

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Monday, October 17, 2005

My Hex-Wife

This is rich. Listen to this, Ms J.

I spoke with Kelly today. On the phone. She told me Maxine (Dan's pregnant girlfriend) has gone to live in a "home". She'll be staying there until two months after the baby's born. Counselors there will teach her Life skills and help her learn to care for a baby. It seems a daunting task. She's not able to care for herself, poor feckless girl. I'm pleased to learn she'll get some counselling. Dan could do with a little himself, but naturally, it's pointless to suggest it, as he already knows everything. Kelly did offer me a tiny shred of hope, though. Dan's found employment, in a local drugstore. He's been working hard for three weeks now, putting in overtime when he can, and saving a bit of money. Good for him!

The conversation turned to the impending birth (she's about eighteen weeks, I think) and Kelly expressed her hope that I might soon "come around." I told her I will one day come to accept this event. I'll have no choice in the end, will I? But I may never see it as a good thing. How can it be a good thing, Ms J? The Boy is nineteen. He has a grade ten education. An $8/hr job at a drugstore. The mother is seventeen. And retarded.

"Learning impaired," says Kelly.

Whatever. The girl doesn't have the sense God gave a lemon.

"Aren't you happy about becoming a grandfather?" Kelly asked.

How can she be so obtuse?

"No, Kelly," I told her. "I cannot feel happy about this."

She could tell I wasn't being swayed so she tried a slightly different approach.

"The ultra-sound technician says it's a boy. A grandson. He'll carry on the Pringle name."

I moved the cordless phone to the other ear, took a deep, slow breath, and waited for her to continue. I don't give a shit, I thought. But I didn't say it. It would only cause trouble.

"Did you tell your parents?" she asked.

"Yeah, they know."

"Are they happy about becoming great-grandparents?"

"Not really," I said.

That was it, Ms Journal. With those two words, I had lit Kelly's fuse. She loves to manipulate people and she's quite good at it. But when she's not successful, she goes berserk.

"Fine," she spat. "I'll just tell Daniel his grandparents don't want anything to do with him."

I tried to respond, but I was unable even to speak a single syllable without being interrupted. That's Kelly's method of attack. I'm quite familiar with it. She hurls words, sharpened like javelins, in a relentless verbal assault. Retreat is the only method of defense. So I hung up the phone.

I should have left it at that, but it seemed a childish thing to have done, so I called her back. (Here's where it gets interesting, Ms J.) She picked up the phone, but she didn't say hello.

"I hope you like the hex I just sent you," were the first words she spoke and they were dripping with poison.

"What?" I said. "What hex?"

"Like the last one I sent you. Remember when we had that big fight last winter? You went to church the next day and God pushed you down the stairs and you broke your fucking leg. Remember that? Well I hope you liked it, 'cause I just put another hex on you."

I was smiling, Ms J, and trying not to laugh. A hex? Was she really serious? Did she actually believe this? Does she think she's a witch with powers of black magic? Maybe I wasn't hearing correctly. I asked for an explanation.

"Kelly, I really have no idea what you're talking about. Did you say 'hex'?"

Then she began to wail. It wasn't crying, exactly. It was more of a ... well, it was a wail. She was wailing, Ms J. She was a wailing whale. Her voice was very loud, and shrieking. I couldn't make much sense of what she was saying. I could only pick out bits and pieces of it. Sentence fragments. Rubbish. But rubbish meant to hurt.

" ... Dan says he's never going to see your parents again."

" ... I'm taking you back to court for more child support."

" ... you're trying to take my kids away from me."

" ... your family is so fucked up."

" ... and Meagan hates you and she never wants to see you again."

That last one got to me. It pierced my heart, Ms Journal. I knew it wasn't true, but it hurt nonetheless. I am proud to tell you that I did not hang up the phone. I simply carried it into another room, gently set it down, and walked away. I suppose Kelly continued her toxic tirade then until she collapsed into hysterical tears and slammed down the phone. I suppose that's what she did. I don't know. I wasn't listening.

The mother of my children thinks she's a witch, with supernatural powers.

It's a wonder Dan's not more disturbed. God help them. Protect them. All of them.

***

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Sunday, October 16, 2005

Freakin' New York!

The day (abbreviated) in pictures:


"Stand by the little punkins, Meagan. I'll take your picture."


Around the west end of Lake Ontario and across the Burlington Skyway bridge. Such bonny weather!


Concentrating on the driving. Meagan was multi-tasking - Taking photos, navigating, and rockin' to Green Day ... We gave the speakers a good workout!


The fall colours were pretty, but very hard to capture with the camera. Still, a gorgeous day. A sunny day. A Green Day. We sang together, my girl and I. And the miles passed quickly.


Not far now!!!


We stopped at an information centre on the Canadian side of the border and got directions to a shopping mall in Amherst, NY. I'd always imagined the Mounties would be taller, Ms J.


"New York, Dad! We're in freakin' New York!!"


Ah, yes. The shopping mall. Our much anticipated destination, and only half an hour from the border.

Meagan had heard from an internet friend that a store called "Hot Topic" sold all kinds of Green Day souvenir items. Green Day, of course, is her favourite rock band. We saw them in concert last summer, Ms Journal. Remember? She searched the internet to find out where these stores are located and to her delight, found one in the Boulevard Mall in Amherst, NY.

"Can we go there, Dad? Can we go to Hot Topic?"

We found a good parking space and ventured into the mall. We found Hot Topic and went inside. Meagan was so excited! Shoes, t-shirts, school bags, earrings. She fell in Love with all of it. It was then that I considered the possibility that it might be illegal for us to bring anything back to Canada. We'd only been a few hours in the States. I wished so much that I'd checked before we left home.

We bought a few small items - shoe laces, a wrist band, and a couple of Green Day buttons - which could easily be concealed. She was a little disappointed at first, but thrilled still to be in the U.S. and to have visited this "radtacular" store. I promised we'd return another time.


We had dinner at a restaurant in the mall. TGI Friday's, it was called. Good "American" food. The people we met were all friendly, and Meagan observed they didn't have a very strong accent.


After dinner, it was time to go home. The sky threatened rain, but not a drop fell.


"Anything to declare?" they asked us at Canada Customs. "Nope," we said. "Nothing." And the lady smiled and waved us through. "Jeez," lamented Meagan. "We coulda bought more stuff."


Welcome sign a welcome sight.

You know Ms Journal, the Yanks have a nice spot there. It's alright, I guess. But I always feel a sense of ease when I'm once again on Canadian soil. It's my home and native land. We had a fun afternoon, but we're both glad to be home!

***

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Saturday, October 15, 2005

Neologism Contest

My friend Larry sent this to me this morning. I'm a lover of words and so I thought it was brilliant. Thanks Larry!

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:



1. Coffee (n.): the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy~nilly (adj.): impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.): describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.): to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.): olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.): emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.): a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.): the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n.): a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish~isms.

15. Circumvent (n.): an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.




Meagan and I are planning a trip today to a foreign country. We're going to drive to Niagara Falls and cross the Rainbow Bridge to Niagara Falls, New York. Perhaps we'll have something to eat, maybe do some shopping, and then come home. It's only about seventy miles each way. Meagan's excited.

"In all my thirteen years, Dad, I've never been out of Canada!"

We don't have passports, Scout. I hope they let us enter the U.S.
Tourists. Terrorists. See the similarity?

***

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Friday, October 14, 2005

Summer's Last Gasp

What a gorgeous day it was in Mimico today. Cloudy in the morning, but by mid-afternoon it was brilliant! I walked to the church and back today and I hated to go in the house. But I had to, Ms Journal. Apples awaited.


Dad wouldn't let me leave Mt. Forest without taking some apples with me.

I put a few in a bag and began to tie it. But Dad thought I should have more.

"Jesus, boy! Take some apples! We've got more than we need. Take what you want!"

"This is all I want," I told him. "I won't use more than this."

"Shit," he said. "You'll need more than that if you're going to make apple sauce."

I've got about two pecks of apples, Ms J. About half a bushel. I decided to try making some apple sauce.


So I quartered a bag full and peeled off the skin and removed the seeds and husk.


Boiled it all down and added some sugar and a bit of cinnamon.

It filled two quart mason jars. I forgot to take a picture and I don't feel like going into the cellar to take a photo of two jars of apple sauce. You'll have to use your imagination here, Ms Journal. There's enough left over to have some for dessert this weekend. Meagan will be here and she loves apple sauce. I'm kind of looking forward to fetching a jar of homemade apple sauce from the cellar this winter when it's cold and stormy outside. It's then that I'll especially enjoy Dad's apples!




I've got to go and collect my girl right now, but I'll leave you with a couple of shots I took this aft' when I was out for a walk. As always, you can click on the images to see them full size. These are for you, Marie. Enjoy!


This Maple is just up the street. It's only just beginning to show its crimson mantle.


This one's a little prettier. Soon enough, though, the trees will drop their colourful robes in preparation for the long bath of winter.

***

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Thursday, October 13, 2005

I'm home, Ms J. Did you miss me?

Ahhhh, it feels good to be home. It's nice to get away, of course, but it always feels good to be home, to sleep in my own bed, to put my feet under my own breakfast table.

I had a nice visit with Mum and Dad. I arrived in Mt. Forest in time for breakfast Sunday morning, as I'd left home before sunrise. I'm quite accustomed to rising early, Ms J, so it was easy to get out of bed at 5:30. It was an hour and a quarter later than I usually get up. I'd actually been looking forward to being present for the sunrise as it first appeared on a rural horizon. I was not disappointed.

Mum told me once that when you see something that fills you with wonder, it's a gift from God, personally. Custom-made just for you. The sky on Sunday morning was clear, cloudless, but for a small section in the east. The only trace of cloud to be seen was right where the sun was coming up. Light cirrus. Perfect for reflecting the splendour of the newborn day!


A gift. A personal gift.

I parked the car and took a few more photos, but the although the camera can record the image, it cannot capture the thrill of the moment. It cannot recall the feeling of being present as Light first touches land. I've witnessed thousands of sunrises, Ms Journal. I consider it one of the benefits of my job. It never fails to fill my heart.


See the Light as it touches the car? So soft. So gentle. It touches me the same way, and all the earth in its time.

My sister, June, was at Mum's too. Her kids, Shauna and Ryan were with her. Little Ryan stayed home with Granddad after breakfast while the girls and I went to church. It was fun to spend time with my sister. And I adore those little ones. Ryan is five. His sister is six.

After lunch, we all drove up to the little town of Meaford, Ontario to spend Thanksgiving Sunday with another sister. Helen has three teenagers and a boyfriend. All were present for a delicious turkey dinner. The drive to Meaford was enjoyable. The kids rode with Mum and Dad; June rode with me. The weather was brilliant and the leaves were very pretty. We stopped on the way to take pictures.


Shauna and Ryan smile from Granddad's car.


June. A good month. A great sister.

Meaford is a quaint little town perched proudly on the shore of Georgian Bay, a part of Lake Huron. It's a vacationer's paradise, Ms J, with boating, swimming and fishing in summer, and skiing and snowmobiling in winter. It's very picturesque.


And there was very little traffic to contend with. See the lake?


Finally, we'd arrived.

Helen prepared a fabulous meal for ... let me see now, Mum and Dad, me and June, June's two kids, Helen and John, Helen's three teens, and a special guest, Andreas. Helen's daughter spent the past year in Sweden on a Rotary Club exchange. Jenna's Swedish friend, Andreas has come to spend the next few months with Jenna's family here in Canada. Andreas seems a nice young man, but he's shy.


He's also a talented musician. He played for us and Jenna sang. She's got a lovely voice!

Helen and John are catsitting. Is there such a word, I wonder? My sister is caring for a friend's cat. Kitten, actually. I think it's about eight weeks old. My word, Ms J. Aren't kittens adorable?


The kids loved the kitty. "Let me hold him, Uncle Dale. It's my turn now."


The little bugger fancied me, I think.

And My Word, Ms J! Don't kittens have sharp teeth?!!


OUCH!! Why you little son-of-a- ...!!!!

Helen has twins. I guess it runs in the family. My sisters Jill and June are twins - identical twins. They're 43 years old and they still look alike. Helen had fraternal twins. Kyle and Leanne are nineteen - just eight days younger than their wayward cousin, my Daniel. Both are in university. Both good students. They really like their young cousins.


Kyle and Ryan.


Leanne and Shauna.

I think everyone had a good day. I wish the rest of the family had been there, but the others were busy celebrating Thanksgiving with inlaws (or outlaws, as the case may be.) Daniel and Meagan spent the weekend with their mal-adjusted mother and her wacky friends. It was 9:00 when we left Meaford to return to Dad's place in Mt. Forest. The drive takes about an hour.


Here's Helen with her daughter Leanne and niece Shauna. Shauna's name is really Erika, but I like the name Shauna better.

On Monday afternoon, June went home. The kids and I played in the garden while Dad and June packed the car.


"I can't find Ryan, Dad. Do you think I've stuffed him in here?"

Is there anything more fun than blowing soapy bubbles, Ms J? I think not!


Blowing bubbles.


... And chasing them.

It's brilliant, Ms J! Such fun! Aren't bubbles amazing?!!

Soon though, June and the kids were gone and I was alone with my parents. Dad and I worked together around the house to get things ready for winter. We gathered up the lawn furniture and stored it away. We put the barbecue away. We dismantled the canopy that shaded the deck and stored that away too. Small tasks, really, but easier and more fun when you have help. I really enjoy working with my dad, helping him. Dad has always done things with great care and pride. Me? I'd rather do a poor job but get it done quickly. It was good practice for me to take time and do things properly, Dad's way.

"Do it once," says Dad. "Do it right."

As we worked, it occurred to me that young people rush around doing things as quickly as possible, and blaming mistakes on a dearth of time, while the elders seem to have plenty of time. In fact, quite the opposite is true. A thirty year-old man can look forward to another half century in which to complete his tasks, while an octogenarian like my father must surely know his days are numbered.

"Do it once. Do it right."

It makes sense, Ms J. I'll try to learn to slow down.

On Tuesday, we picked apples. Dad has three apple trees. One grows Spy apples, one grows McIntosh, and the other grows both varieties. Strange, I know. But my father is crazy about trees. He grafted a limb from a Spy apple tree onto a McIntosh tree. Or something like that. Now he's got a hybrid tree that offers a bounty of both types. The limbs were so heavy with fruit, Dad was afraid a good wind would damage his beloved trees.


"The best crop I ever had!"


These are Spy apples. Spies are rather tart, good for making pies or my favourite, apple sauce.

We picked about two and a half bushels of apples off one tree. We put them on a plastic sled the kids use in the snow, and used the lawn tractor to draw them up to the house.


More apples than they know what to do with.

Dad says he got about six or more bushels from the three trees. I think that's fantastic. Dad, of course, is thrilled. Mum too, although I don't know what on earth she'll do with all that fruit.


Here's good ol' Mum. She loves her kitchen. She spends a good part of every day there. She's peeling potatoes for supper. Dad still finds her 'a peeling.

I can guarantee those apples will not go to waste. Mum will make pies and tarts and apple sauce and apple crumble and muffins. The inedible parts will go to compost. Dad will use it to help his garden grow next spring.

My parents were both raised on farms during the Great Depression. They value the good things the earth provides. For my parents, the year is divided by the seasons. Spring is the time to plant. Summer is the time of care and cultivation. Autumn brings the harvest, the reward for months of toil. Winter's white blanket covers the soil and allows the earth to rest and prepare itself for the promise of spring.

There is something quite right and proper in that, Ms J. The wisdom of the elders. I'm afraid my generation is losing it. I don't want to lose that mindset. I want to honour the earth too. Let that be my prayer then tonight.

Dear God, Help me to remember and be grateful for the bounty that comes from Mother Earth.

I love you, Mum. I love you, Dad. Good night. And thanks ... for everything.

***