My Kids: Who Are They?

I don't know my kids anymore. I used to know them, Ms J. I used to know their favourite foods and music and clothes. I knew them. Both Daniel and Meagan. And they knew me. We were comfortable together. We could sit close together and hold hands or share conversation. But it's not that way anymore. It just doesn't feel easy and relaxed these days. It feels awkward and difficult.

I had dinner with Meagan tonight. I drove to Acton and picked her up about 5:30. She had remembered my offer from last week and called earlier today to ask what time I'd be coming for her. I'm glad she remembered our plan. That shows she thinks about me when we're not together.

The service was deplorable in the restaurant. It took a full hour to get our food after we'd ordered it. Meagan was loquacious at first, babbling on about her friends at school and about the party she'd attended at Scott's. But after a while, she ran out of things to tell me and it became awkward. It was strange, you know. I never imagined a time when we wouldn't feel comfortable together. My attempt to restart the conversation met with limited success.

"So where is everybody tonight, Scout? Is Dan working?"

"Yeah. He's working til ten o'clock."

"What about Tim? Where's he then? Home?"

"No. He went to see his mother with Emily. They've been gone all weekend."

"And Mum? Where'd she go? With Tim?"

Meagan hesitated. Not much, but enough to make me think she was hiding something.

"No. Mum's away for the weekend."

I decided to be nosy.

"Yeah?" I said. "Where did she go?"

"Just out, Dad. She's away for a couple of days."

I continued to pry, although I knew it was none of my business. Call it a morbid curiosity. I tried to sound disinterested.

"Did she go by herself?"

"Yeah. She just went to ... to visit a friend."

I dropped the subject and took a long drink of my iced tea. Seems to me that if you're hiding something, it's because you know it's wrong. We don't try to cover up the good things we do, do we? We only hide things when our behaviour is improper. I wondered who was really guilty of subterfuge here. Was Meagan acting alone to protect her mother? Or had Kelly given Meagan instructions to keep quiet around me?

No matter, really. Someone was lying. I haven't been able to trust Daniel since last winter's shenanigans. I had hoped Meagan would always be forthright with me. I guess she's torn between her allegiance to her mum and trying to please her dad. It wasn't fair for me to pry like that. I wish I'd thought to mind my own business.

When we left the restaurant, we drove to the drug store where Dan works. We found him re-stocking the milk in the dairy aisle. He seemed less than pleased to see us. I'm not sure why. Maybe he's angry with me for not being happy about his pregnant girlfriend. I bought some Hallowe'en candy and left.

I reflected on this day as I drove home. Dan is far from me these days. We are not as close as we were when he was a child. I wonder if we'll ever find that kind of relationship again. The Truth, Ms Journal, is that I miss my son. But I just can't bring myself to spend much time with him anymore.

And Meagan. Well, it seems she's on her way to join her brother in a place I cannot visit even for a minute. Adolescence is a very exclusive club. No adults allowed. I have no choice but to wait until my kids become adults. Hopefully, when they leave the adolescence society, they'll return to me. I'll be here. Waiting and loving them. And I'm sure they both know that.

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