A middle-aged WASP examines his Life, his heart and his home. Sometimes it all makes perfect sense. Not lately, though.

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Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Carla and Bert?

Carla is our intern minister. She's a United Church of Canada minister in training. Carla is 32. Married to Bert. Carla is a student of divinity (she's studying for a Masters degree) at Queens University in Kingston, Ontario. She and Bert have been my house guests since last Friday. Here's how it came to be:

They arrived last Friday evening from their home on a farm near Ottawa to discover the house they had agreed to rent here in Mimico is undergoing renovations. There is no functional kitchen. And there is no electricity. I helped Bert unpack the moving van on Friday night. It wasn't fun, as I was still exhausted from my day at the exhibition with Scout and the girls. When the truck was nearly empty, we sat on the porch and gulped cold water from the plastic bottles Rev. Linda had fetched from the church.

"You can't stay here, Bert," I said as we wiped the sweat from our faces. It was hot and muggy that evening. "You must be tired after your long drive. Why don't you guys spend the weekend at my place?"

Linda spoke up then.

"Come home with me tonight. We have a spare bedroom you can use."

That was perfect. Meagan and I were leaving Saturday morning to go camping.

"Yeah, Bert. My daughter and I will be away all weekend. Please use my home."

And they did.

They spent Friday night at Linda's house and then stayed here. I arrived home from camping on Sunday evening to find Bert and Carla watching tv and relaxing in my living room. They left this afternoon after spending four days with me.

It was good, Ms J. Real good. They are delightful guests. Very thoughtful. Very considerate. Very helpful. We went to see a movie on Monday night. March of the Penguins. G.A. and Hanna came too. We all enjoyed it. Penguins are adorable, especially the babies. See it. It's really good!

Bert and I barbecued sausages here one night. And steak the next. We lingered at the dinner table and shared conversation and wine. They're really nice people. It was pleasant and comforting to come home to someone. Don't get me wrong, Ms J. I do like living alone, but still sometimes, I get lonely. It was good to hear laughter around the table. They left this morning and I miss them.




I've made a successful return to work. Today marked the first full day at work since Feb. 7. I arrived at 4:15 this morning. I was half an hour early, but I wanted to allow myself extra time to walk out to the train. My foot/leg is still a bit sore and weak. It takes me a bit longer to get where I'm going.

A much diminished Hurricane Katrina staggered into Mimico last night and brought some gusty winds and rain. She pushed my umbrella and me along a lot faster than I might have liked. I was wet and tired when I arrived at the locomotive. It was a bit of a challenge to climb the ladder up into the cab. But I did it, Ms Journal. I did it. I can do my job. My leg will get stronger each day. It felt good to be back on the job. And everyone seemed happy to see me again.

And so Life has finally returned to normal. I'm back at work. After seven months off, rejection from both Dan and Meagan, fights with Kelly, reconciliation with Meagan, and all the highs and lows Life has dealt me, I'm alright.

I'm alright, Ms J. I'm back. My Life is good. I love my kids. I love my friends. And I love my Life.

***

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Monday, August 29, 2005

Carla and Bert. And my first day at work.

It's late now, Ms J. I returned to work today. It wasn't too bad, really. And I have some house guests. Carla and Bert. Carla's training to be a minister. She's doing her internship at our church. They arrived on Friday from Ottawa (Renfrew, actually) and had no suitable accommodations here. I offered them my house for the weekend, or until they get settled in a place of their own.

Nice couple. All is well. I might see if I can take the two weeks vacation time I missed when I was off work with my injury. I know. Back to work one day after seven months off, and already I need a vacation. Better to take it now, while the weather is still warm.

I'll tell you all about Bert and Carla tomorrow, Ms J. But I'm sleepy now. Be sure and scroll down to read about my family camping weekend.

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So much to tell you!

We had a great weekend, Ms J. Scout and I left Mimico about 11:00 on Saturday morning and drove to Pat's property. My brother has fourteen acres (mostly dense bush) with a small cabin and an outhouse. It's located about 45 minutes north of Mum and Dad's place. They live in Mt. Forest, remember?

The ride with Meagan was enjoyable. She's a lovely girl who knows when to speak and how to carry a conversation. She's also comfortable in silence. I'm trying to learn to be more like my daughter. We talked about Dan, of course. And about his latest folly: his pregnant, 17 year old, mentally challenged girlfriend.

"Do Grandma and Grandad know about Maxine, Dad?"

"Yeah, Scout," I answered flatly. "They do."

"Are they happy?" she asked, expecting the answer yes.

"No, Meagan. They're not."

She seemed surprised. What has her mother been telling her?

"Why not?"

"It's not a good thing," I began. "It's not good at all. Dan doesn't even have a job. And he has no --"

"He DOES have a job, Dad. He works at the book warehouse in Georgetown. He starts on Monday."

"OK. Good," I said. "At least he has a job now. But a baby is not a good thing right now. Not for Dan. And certainly not for Maxine."

"Why not?"

I could feel my patience waning.

"They're not even married for goodness sake."

"Oh, so it's the whole Christian thing then, eh?"

I lost my temper with her then.

"It's not a "Christian" thing, Meagan. It's just a stupid, stupid, thing to do. For both of them. It's irresponsible. It's poorly timed. There is absolutely nothing good about this at all. Nothing. And you know who the big loser is in all of this? Do you? Your mother, that's who. She's the one who'll be left to raise this child. She'll be the one who does all the work while those other two sit and watch television. And that's not fair to Mum. Not fair at all."

Meagan turned her head to stare out the window. We sat together in silence while I replayed it all in my head. I wish I hadn't gotten angry. Becoming a grandparent, or a great grandparent is not automatically a joyous event. There are conditions attached. If the couple are gainfully employed, if they are in a committed relationship, if they are mature, then yes, anticipation of a new baby is a happy thing. But not this time. Not with Dan. Not now. But I didn't explain any of that to Meagan. I just closed the conversation. But I think she understood, because after a few minutes she spoke. Quietly.

"I hope I can make good choices for myself. I hope I don't end up like Dan."

Dear God. I pray she's right.




We arrived just in time to participate in the games Pat had organized. This year marked the third annual Pringle family camping weekend at my brother's wilderness retreat. There were five events. He called it a "quintathalon." We were divided into five teams. There was target shooting (with a BB gun), archery, lawn darts, horseshoe pitching, and throwing darts to break balloons. We all kept our individual scores and tallied it at the end to obtain a team score.


Mum scored a zero in target shooting.


I'm not very good at horseshoes. I got one point!


Pat replaced the balloon Meagan broke with her first dart. She had practiced this at the CNE on Friday.

Everyone was involved. The little ones had their own toys to play with and they didn't pester the adults at all. We continued our "quintathalon" while keeping a wary eye on the sky. It was getting progressively darker. Before we'd completed all the events, the heavens opened wide and loosed a deluge of cold rain. We all ran for cover. There wasn't much cover.


Luckily, I came prepared!

We gathered under awnings and huddled together in tents. It was indeed, intense. But that's the best part about camping, isn't it, Ms J? It's always in tents.


It was fun at first.

But when the kids were crying and Mum was barking orders and there was no place to have fun and we were all soaking wet, the fun factor began to diminish. For my part, Ms Journal, I bore it all well. We're making memories, I reasoned.


Speckled spectacles. Try saying that three times quickly!

The rain continued most of the afternoon and evening. At bedtime, I went with Mum and Dad back to their house in Mt. Forest. I was glad to have a dry bed. The others stayed at the camp.


Meagan and her cousin Jeff wait out the storm in Uncle Pat's trailer. She feels a part of our family. Sadly, her brother Dan does not.

"I'll be fine, Dad," said Meagan. "I'll sleep in the car."

And she did. Not well, though. Have you ever tried sleeping in a car?
I asked Meagan how it was the next morning.

"Terrible. I couldn't get comfortable. And it was so hot when the sun came up in the morning."

But the sun did indeed shine on Sunday. We finished our quintathalon. Our team came in second. No prize for second place though.


"MEAGAN! Can I have a little privacy here?"


Bullseye! Don't I look proud? (I cheated.)

Meagan did really well with the shooting events. She scored low points in archery and BB shooting, but she achieved nice, tight groups on the targets. She was proud.


Look! The arrow has left the bow. That's my girl.

The kids were really good. They amused themselves by playing in the mud and catching frogs near the river.


"Uncle Dale!! Mum says this fwog is weely a toad!" Ryan is sooo cute. They all are.


Five cousins. Erin, Ryan, Meagan and Shauna. Jason is relaxing in front. Erin and Jason are siblings. Ryan and Shauna are siblings.

Sherri was there too. Remember Sherri, Ms J? She's my niece. Pat's daughter. Sherri's practically a dentist.

"I'm not a dentist, Daley. I'm training to be a dental hygienist."

Oh, I'm just so doggone PROUD of that girl!!


Here's Sherri (right) with her Aunt June. (My sister)

I think there were about twenty-two of us there altogether. Everyone got on famously. But the weatherman predicted more thunderstorms for late Sunday afternoon so after we'd finished our competition, brother Pat tallied the total points, and a winner was declared.


Here's the winning team. Married couples. Dave and Jill. June and Rob. Jill and June are twins. Dave and Rob are auto mechanics.

We packed up our tents on Sunday, rolled up our sleeping bags and gathered up our kids in the bright sunshine and one by one, headed south to rejoin the city rat race.

"Did you have a good time with dear ol' Dad this time, Scout?" I asked when we were well underway.

"It was amazing, Dad," she answered. "The exhibition with Alex and Hanna and Frankie on Friday, and then the weekend with everybody up at Uncle Pat's."

I glanced over at her as she stared straight ahead with her mouth open slightly. She had more to say and so I waited.

Finally, she turned to me and said, "On a scale of 'good' to 'radtacular', (and she raised both thumbs and grinned) I'd give it a 'fabtastic'."

I guess that means she enjoyed herself. I took her hand in mine and squeezed it.

"Too bad Dan didn't come, eh Dad?"

Yes, Meagan. Too bad Dan didn't come.

***

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Friday, August 26, 2005

An Absolutely BRILLIANT Day!

Things went well yesterday, Ms J. I went for a bike ride to clear my head and get myself motivated. I picked up my book. And then I came home and cleaned the house. I collected Meagan and we came home and went to bed. That was yesterday.

Today we went to The Canadian National Exhibition. The CNE is Canada's longest running fall fair. It has been the exclamation mark to every summer since it first began in 1879. There's a huge midway with rides and games. And of course, exhibits and demonstrations featuring everything you could imagine. This year, there was a human cannonball. Rumour has it that he was hired and fired the same day! Meagan and I went with Frankie (I've written about her here before) and two other happy friends, namely Girl Alex and Hanna, her sister.

Oh Ms J! It was just the absolute best day EVER! We went on all the rides and ate junk food and laughed and got sunburned faces and sore feet. Meagan and G.A. got Henna (temporary) tattoos. Frankie and Meagan and Hanna all won stuffed animals at the midway games.

I can't find the words to describe the fun we had, so I'll show you.

The Giant Ferris Wheel. My Favourite!


It's really high. The view from the top is awesome!


We walked and walked.


Meagan pondered what to do next.


Alex and Hanna went on this one alone.


They all went on this one. Wisely, I sat and waited for them. My stomach can't handle that kind of ruckus.


Hanna, Alex, Meagan and Me. "World of Wonders - Freak Show." LOL!!


More rides. Bye, Scout!!


My stomach thanked me for sitting this one out with Alex. Frankie and Meagan and Hanna went, though. Brave girls!


We all got slush puppies. Flavoured ice and food colouring. Good on a hot day, though. The sky was perfectly clear.


Frankie bought me a Slush Puppy.


And we all got blue tongues!


Frankie LOVED the slide. Pretty, eh? The slide too.


Meagan, Hanna, Alex, Frankie. We all had a wonderful time. The crowds were small.


Frankie won an Ernie doll. She was thrilled!


How lucky I was to get all four girls in this shot! Frankie with her arms out. G.A. beside her. Meagan and Hanna below them.


Look, Scout! Look at the camera!


Girl Alex furrows her brow. Home? Now?


But it was time, Ms J. I'd enjoyed about all I could stand. My leg was really getting tired. And we were all sunburned. And nearly penniless. We rode the GO train home and I met some of my work mates on the train.

"When are ya coming back to work, Dale?" they asked.

"Monday," was my answer. "I hope to be back on the trains on Monday."

What a great day it was, Ms Journal. I'm worn right out. Tomorrow, Scout and I are off to camp with the Pringles. I'll have more news then. More pics too. Oh and some houseguests. I'm getting some houseguests. Carla and Bert. I'll tell you all about it on Monday. After work.

I'm so tired! And it seems there's miles to go before I rest. Smiles to go before I rest.

OK. One more pic. Meagan Amelia. Ain't she gorgeous?


***

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Thursday, August 25, 2005

Enthusiasm, wherefor art thou?

I have so much to do today, Ms J. I'm planning to visit the CNE tomorrow with Meagan and Frankie and Girl Alex. I have to call G.A. and firm up our plans. I still have to drive to Acton and collect Meagan. I need to go to the bank. This house is a dusty mess. It needs some attention too. And on Saturday morning, Scout and I are driving up north to my brother's property where the whole Pringle clan is convening for a family camping weekend.

I wonder where the heck my tent is?

I have to get some clothes ready as well. And buy some groceries. New batteries for the camera. Wine. We only camp once a year on my brother's land. I don't even remember how to get there. I'll have to call him tonight and get directions.

I wrote a short story months ago and it's been published in a book called "Food For Thought." There's a free copy of the book waiting to be picked up at the office of Lakeshore Arts, just around the corner. I want to do that today, too.

There's so much to do this afternoon, but what have I been doing? Watching reruns of "All in the Family" and eating bowls of vanilla ice cream. I cannot seem to get moving.

Periodically, I lift my arse off the couch and wander around for a few minutes. I go and stand in the kitchen and look around, hoping perchance to discover some enlightenment there between the fridge and the stove. I peer again inside the fridge and feel disappointed when it contains the same items it held ten minutes ago. Back I go into the dining room where I sit and stare for half an hour at the garden. It's a weedy mess. And the lawn needs mowing.

Look at me now, Ms Journal, sitting upstairs here, poking away at the keyboard. I can hear the television downstairs. And the kids are screaming across the street. I've got to get something done. Anything, really.

It's a gorgeous day outside. Maybe I'll get on my bike and cycle over to Lakeshore Arts and fetch my book. Maybe the exercise and bright sunshine will dispel Tamas and invoke in me a more rajasic mood.

I'll let you know how things turn out. Yaaaaawwwwn.

***

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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

And so we wait. And wait.

This adorable photo is dedicated to a friend. She knows who she is. And she loves herself. Hold on tight, Girl.

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Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Not particularly inspired

I went to the church around noon today, and spent most of the afternoon there. I painted a book shelf for the Sunday school. Later, I worked with Larry and his daughter, Colleen and together, we replaced a number of burned out lightbulbs in the choir loft. Larry is a fireman. I guess he's used to climbing ladders. The lights were more than twenty feet above the floor and Larry scampered up the ladder like a rat up a rafter. I was quite content to stay on the floor with Colleen and hand her dad the replacement bulbs as he came down.

I left there at 4:30 and headed out into the afternoon rush hour. The traffic was horrendous, as usual, but I enjoyed the drive nonetheless. I listened to music and sang my way to my sister's home in Mississauga. I bought some chicken on the way. June cooked it on the barbecue while I mowed the lawn and watched the kids playing in the cherry tree.

"UNCLE DALE!!! WATCH ME JUMP LIKE A MONKEY!!"

"UNCLE DALE!! WATCH ME HANG UPSIDE DOWN!!"

The lower limbs of that poor old tree are smooth and shiny from little hands and feet. Kids sure can find a lot of pleasure in a tree, can't they? They pick and eat fresh fruit and test bravery and faith as they discover new talents for climbing and balance. Do kids grow on trees? You bet!

Rob fixed my turn signal and replaced a noisy muffler. It was expensive, Ms Journal. But I'd rather give the money to family than to a car dealership or garage.




Girl Alex and I saw a movie on Monday night. We had Thai food first and then rode the subway to a downtown cinema. The film was called "Crash." Sandra Bullock and Matt Dillon were both in it. It was an absolutely amazing show. If you get the chance, don't miss it! It was a look at racism and hatred from a number of different perpectives. Thought provoking. And terribly heart breaking.

It's been a long day and I'm just about knackered. G' night, Ms J.

***

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Sunday, August 21, 2005

This Ordinary Weekend.

Sometimes, Ms J, ordinary is good. Lately, I've been craving ordinary.

I spent most of yesterday at my sister June's house. Her husband, Rob, is a home-based auto mechanic and I wanted him to look at my car. It needs a new muffler and a new turn signal switch. He ordered the parts and I'll return on Tuesday when he'll make the necessary repairs. While I visited with June and the kids, Rob replaced the refrigerant in the A/C system. So now, I have functional air conditioning in the car. The weather's been much cooler lately. But Halleluiah, anyway!

June's kids are great fun. Shauna is six. Her name is actually Erika, but I like the name Shauna better. (Uncle Dale's a bit eccentric.) Everyone's adjusted to it now. Shauna has a brother named Ryan. Ryan is four. I enjoy a wonderful relationship with those kids. They're always excited to see me.

"UNCLE DALE!" they holler as they run to me to be picked up and hugged. Gosh that feels good.

Love begets Love. I love Shauna and Ryan. And they love me back. We played together on the carpet while their mum chatted happily on the phone in the kitchen. I miss the days when my own kids were small. Their troubles were small then, too.

Today, after my morning ablutions, I rode my bicycle to The Canadiana, a local restaurant, for breakfast. I enjoyed bacon and eggs and toast and coffee. After breakfast, I handed Maria a twenty dollar bill.

"Maria," I smiled, "Let's do that thing we do sometimes. Remember?"

Once in a while at The Canadiana, I give my waitress twenty dollars for breakfast. I ask her to take what she feels is an appropriate tip and put the rest away to pay for a meal for someone else. Someone less fortunate perhaps.

"Don't tell the person who it was who paid for their meal," I tell the girls. "Just tell them it's free today."

Then off I pedalled, up Mimico Avenue to church. I saw a sign once in front of the Presbyterian church in Mimico. Its message has stuck with me.

"Give without remembering. Take without forgetting."

I like that.

Have an ordinary tomorrow, friends. Good night, Ms Journal.

***

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Friday, August 19, 2005

What's next with Dan? This.

I "graduated" from physiotherapy this morning. I've waited a long time and worked hard toward this day, but when Barbara announced this would be my final visit, I felt a little sad. That clinic and those girls - Barbara and Sabina - had become a part of my Life, and although I'm pleased that I no longer require their care, I'm a little sorry that I won't see them anymore. I gave them a thank you card with a gift inside for each of them. I'll miss their sunny dispositions and their warm, encouraging smiles.

Thank you both! So much. I was crippled. Now I'm healed. It's nothing short of a miracle!




At home later, I was sitting at the dining room table, feeling my feelings, and gazing into the back garden. A young robin had found a juicy worm and I smiled as I watched him struggle to pull it free of the soil.

The phone rang and disturbed my reverie.

"Hi Dale. It's me. Have you got a minute?"

It was Kelly. She was using that breathy voice she uses when she has something grave to impart. I turned toward the window and looked again at the robin. This time, I felt no joy.

"Yeah OK, Kelly. What's up?"

She began with a frustratingly circuitous preamble about the merits of "co-parenting" and the importance of showing the kids a united front. Blah, blah, blah.

I interrupted her to ask, "Is this about Daniel, Kelly? Or Scout?"

"Daniel," she said in her breathy way. "Promise me you won't freak out when I tell you."

I sought again the comfort of the garden, but the robin had finished his lunch and flown away. I took a deep, slow breath to centre myself.

"I won't freak out, Kelly. I promise."

Kelly remembers the old Dale - the angry, violent, frightened Dale. That Dale doesn't live here anymore. I waited while my ex-wife organized her thoughts. After a long time, she spoke.

"You're going to be a grandfather, Dale. I'm going to be a grandmother. Maxine is pregnant. Dan's the father."

Emotions swirled all through me. Anger. Disappointment. Fear. Sorrow. I managed but two syllables in response to Kelly's disturbing news.

"OK."

It sounded silly so I said it again. Slower this time.

"Oooh Kaaay."

It still sounded stupid, so I followed that with an acquiescent "Alright."

I may have appeared calm, but my mind was racing. A baby? Dan? Where will they live? How will they get by? Dan has no job. No education. No job skills. Maxine is mentally challenged. That's what they call it nowadays. Mentally challenged, my arse. The girl is retarded. How will she care for a child? She can't even carry a conversation. And Dan. How could he BE so irresponsible? Irresponsible. Legally, the word means "not mentally or financially fit to assume responsibility." That's an accurate description of my son, Ms J. And his seventeen-year-old girlfriend. Her parents won't help. Maxine's mum is a hardcore alcoholic. And she doesn't know where (or who?) her dad is.

I quieted my thoughts while Kelly prattled on.

"... and I'll be the one who looks after the baby. I'll be the only one who knows what to do with a brand new baby. I've already been down that road. Three times. It doesn't matter to me if I have to do it again. They have no clue what the hell they're doing, Dale. I'll let them try caring for the baby for a few days and as soon as I see that they're not being responsible, I'll take that child and move away. Dan and Maxine will never see that kid again. And I mean it."

I closed my eyes and slowly shook my head. What a load of self-indulgent crap! The child is not even born yet, and already Kelly has appointed herself chief guardian. She's already rehearsing her role as caregiver. And martyr.

"What about abortion, Kelly? Is Maxine open to that possibility?"

"No. I already asked her about it, but she says she's Catholic. She's a strong Catholic."

It's ironic, Ms Journal. Isn't it? Maxine is too Catholic to submit to an abortion, but apparently not Catholic enough to abstain from pre-marital sex. If she weren't mentally handicapped, I'd declare the hypocrisy of it laughable.

"What about adoption?" I asked. "Have they thought about that?"

"Well," Kelly began, "I suggested that, but they say they want to have the child and raise it together. They'll probably end up living here with me. I'm the one who'll end up raising that child."

Could be, I thought. 'Cause they sure as hell won't be living here. I hope you're proud of yourself, Kelly. It was you who first brought the two of them together. I didn't say it, Ms J. I just thought it. I had other thoughts too. Horrible thoughts. Thoughts I'm too ashamed of to share.

The conversation ended politely with me thanking Kelly for not trying to hide this from me. She thanked me in turn, for taking it so well. In Truth, I'd been half-expecting this phone call. A part of me knew this might happen.

I spoke with my minister from church this afternoon. Linda offered compassion, understanding, and this admonishment:

"Don't take on this responsibility, Dale. This is not your show. Let Dan and Maxine take centre stage here. You don't have to support what's happened, but don't condemn them either. Mistakes happen. This is not the first teenager who's ever gotten pregnant. It might be a good idea to suggest to Kelly that Maxine get some sort of counseling. Dan too. They'll need to be prepared for the shock of reality they'll witness after the baby's born. Neither you nor Kelly can offer effective counseling. You're too close to the situation. Too emotional. And Maxine should be seeing a doctor regularly."

I think that's good, sound advice. All of it.

But you know what makes this tragedy - this situation even more regrettable, Ms J? A woman I know of longs to have a child. I'm certain she and her husband would be good parents. They're in their early thirty's, employed, settled in a house. They have so much to offer a child, yet my friend remains childless. And she hurts. She despairs of ever having a child of her own. Yet in an unfathomable twist of fate, one that only God Herself can understand, the seed of Life has been sown in the belly of a teenage girl who has nothing to offer a child, but Love. Let us pray that John Lennon was right in his declaration that "All You Need Is Love."

And let us pray also for patience, understanding and acceptance that God has a grand plan for my childless friends. Together, let us gather all our cares, and place them confidently in His hands.

***

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Wednesday, August 17, 2005

"I love you both so much. Thanks for everything."




Hi Ms J. I'm home. I had a brilliant time at Mum and Dad's. We did a lot of work, but we had a lovely visit.


We trimmed and tied up the "razbries".

Dad calls them razbries. Grandma called them razbries, too. I know. They're raspberries. But I like how my father says it. Razbreeze. Funny, eh? Dad and I worked in the garden all day on Monday. I mowed the lawn and then we picked cucumbers and onions and green tomatoes and peppers for the hot dog relish Mum and I would make on Tuesday and Wednesday. Mum busied herself in the kitchen making "bread and butter" and "icicle" pickles with the baskets of bumpy cucumbers we brought her.

For as long as I can remember, Mum has preserved summer's bounty in sealable glass jars. She makes jams and jellies, chili sauce, beans, beets, peaches. And pickles. Lots of pickles. Her pickles have often won first prize at the local fall fair. Her jams too. My favourite though, is still the relish.


Some work. Some play. All in the right measure. I love being with my dad.

It has occurred to my brother and sisters and me that when Mum is gone, we'll have no more preserves. Not only that, but a part of our heritage will die with her. So the past few years, we've all tried to spend time with Mum in late summer to help her make her delicious preserves. We visit our parents and learn how to "do down" fruits and veggies. It's a dying art, I think.

I'm a seventh generation Canadian-born Pringle. I'm very proud of that. Both Mum and Dad grew up on farms. Farming is part of my heritage. Growing things. Caring for mother earth, and enjoying what she provides. It would be a dreadful shame if that torch were passed to our generation, and we dropped it. Or refused it.

On Tuesday, the three of us worked together in the kitchen. We sang and told stories and jokes. We shared memories of home. It feels good just to be with them. Dad's hearing is failing. His legs aren't as strong as they once were. And Mum sometimes struggles to remember things. But I love them both. And I owe them much more than I can ever hope to repay.


Dad chopped the onions. "They don't bother my eyes a'toll."


Mum used her old veggie chopper to cut up the tomatoes. "They have to be green. Firm and hard."


My turn now. Mum sliced the cucumbers and I put them through the chopper.

Dad cut up most of the green peppers. When his legs got tired from standing at the counter, I finished the job, but not before I sliced my finger. Dad fetched a band-aid and tended to my bloody finger. His Love made the hurt go away. I know I'll always be his little boy. He'll always be my daddy.

All the vegetables went into a great chrome pot. Mum poured a cup of coarse pickling salt on top and we covered it and left it on the counter til the next day. We retired to the livingroom to watch the television. Dad's a news junky. He likes to watch the news at 10:00 and again at 11:00.

"You never know what might happen in an hour," he says.

Canada's national broadcaster, the CBC, is on strike. So we watched the BBC.

"What the hell is this?" said a crabby old Dad. "Turn it up, Ma. I can't understand a goddamn word they're saying."

My dad curses. A lot. But he makes me laugh.

On Wednesday morning, I rose early with Mum. I went outside with her to enjoy the first of the day's sunshine. I love taking photos early in the morning. Everything looks so still and bright.


Mum filled her watering can.


And watered all her flowers.

Even the bonny sunflowers.


I don't know why, but sunflowers bring me such joy I sometimes laugh out loud.

Of all the leaves in the garden, this next one is the most resplendant. This one never fails to fill my heart, Ms J.


Our beloved Maple Leaf. We Canadians love our country too.

After breakfast, Dad and I washed the dishes while Mum made the beds. We sat around the table and drank coffee and chatted (Mum loved my sermon!) and soon it was lunchtime. We had hotdogs for lunch. We garnished the wieners with last year's relish.

"Let's clean up this mess," Mum said when we were done, "and finish our batch of relish, shall we?"

So we did.

We added vinegar, sugar, celery seed and dry mustard and curry. And we stirred it all up and put it on the stove to boil. We added a few drops of food colouring and thickened the mixture with flour and water. That's how we did it, Ms J. Just as my grandmother had done it. And her mother before her. Finally, it was ready to go into the jars. Mum poured boiling water on the lids and the jars to sterilize them and ensure a good seal.


"Mind you don't spill it. And be careful. The jars are really hot."

We ended up with a dozen jars. I took three home with me. The rest will stay in Mum's cellar. It'll get used up over the next twelve months. Mum and Dad will eat some of it, but most will go to Jill and June and Helen and Patrick and Donna.


Twelve jars. Still hot. A family tradition.

I made relish, Ms J! I helped Mum do it, anyway. Now I know how it's done. I can make it myself. I wrote down the recipe. The recipe my grandma wrote down some sixty years ago. Hotdog relish. Pringle hotdog relish. I'll teach Meagan how to make it one day. Dan too, if he wants to learn. And the great circle will continue.

Is there anything more important to us than family? Family defines us, gives us roots, supports us. Our family, nuclear or extended, offers us a glimpse of our past, the promise of tomorrow, and a blessing for today.

Good-bye, Mum. Bye, Dad. I love you both so much. And thanks. For everything.

***

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Sunday, August 14, 2005

Off to Visit Mum Today

After church today, I'm heading up to Mt. Forest to visit my parents. I invited Scout to come along, but she's anxious to get home and tell her mum and brother all about the concert we attended on Friday. (Scroll down to read about our Green Day adventure.) I'll drop her home on my way to Mum's. Mum and I are planning to make some hotdog relish. We'll use fresh vegetables from her garden. I'll do what I can while I'm there to help Mum and Dad with whatever needs to be done.

Stay well, friends. Smile. I'll tell you about my visit when I return on Thursday.

***

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Saturday, August 13, 2005

Green Day

I'm still alive! I survived a Green Day concert! Wow, Ms. J! What a day it was!

After driving an hour due north of Toronto, Scout and I arrived at Molson Park more than two hours before the gates officially opened. We parked our car in a giant field that could easily hold 25,000 vehicles. We were among the first thousand or so, and this meant we'd park the furthest from the gate. It also meant we'd be among the last to leave when the concert was over. I thought of my still-tender leg and foot and I regretted arriving so early. I thought of my sore back and of how tired we'd be when it was time to come home and I wished we'd arrived there two hours later. Then I thought of Meagan and her effervescent anticipation and excitement. And I kept my thoughts to myself. This was her day. I vowed not to spoil it.

As we set out across the grass, numerous people warned us that the folding chair I carried wouldn't be allowed inside the gate. Nor would the bottles of water Meagan carried. Or the camera in her purse. I decided it was too far now to return to the car, so we drank all the water our stomachs would hold and tossed the plastic bottles in a nearby trash bin. The chair was old and easily replaceable, so I left it there too. We wrapped the camera in a plastic shopping bag and tucked it into her purse.

"We're taking the camera, Scout. We'll just have to cross our fingers and hope they don't turn us away."

Meagan had a plan.

"Don't worry, Dad," she said as she skipped ahead of me two feet above the ground. "If they try to take our camera, I'll just give them my sad puppy dog eyes and beg them to let us take it in. I'll tell them it's my very first rock concert."


I was a little nervous when I saw the sign. What were they expecting? Terrorists?

After a fifteen minute walk in sweltering heat, we joined the queue that waited outside the gated chain link fence that surrounds the sprawling property. Everyone was in high spirits. Some were already noticeably higher than others and the smell of marijuana was everywhere. So were the police, although I saw no arrests. I looked around and for a long time, I felt like an anachronism: the only old guy in a sea of youthful exuberance. But I did notice one or two other dads there with their young daughters and sons in tow. The dads all wore the same sort of worried, nervous, confused expression. We nodded to each other sometimes and exchanged reassuring smiles. We fathers comprised a very tiny, but distinct minority.

Meagan and I eventually found a place to stand only fifty feet from the stage.

"This is perfect, Dad," said Meagan. "This is excellent!"

And indeed, Ms J, it was. Until the concert began.

I'll offer two words here, Ms Journal. Mosh pit.

I can't begin to tell you how horrifying it was, suddenly to find ourselves in the middle of a group of young men rushing at each other, crashing their bodies together and then rebounding toward their next human target. Sometimes, one or more would stumble (or be knocked down) and the crowd would surge forward, pushing and shoving, screaming and cheering. I held tight to Meagan's little hand there in the sweaty crush of humanity and prayed no one would be trampled or otherwise injured. How in the world could help reach us if someone were sick or injured, I wondered. What if I fell and dozens of bodies tumbled on top of me? My back was hurting, despite the $100. back support I wore surreptitiously under my t-shirt. What if I fell and re-injured my leg? What if Meagan fell? What if we were somehow separated? How would I ever find her again? Oh, Ms J! It was dreadful!! I feel tearful even now as I recall my panic. Someone knocked my glasses off and it took all my strength to stoop and recover them before they were crushed. Meagan lost one of her running shoes. She wasn't able to recover it and she spent most of the concert wearing only one shoe.

The first band was called "Anti-flag". They were a punk band. As far as I can tell, punk music is nothing less than maximum energy release in the form of music and violent dance. (i.e. "moshing") I hope to live out the remainer of my Life without ever again hearing punk music.

The second band showed some improvement. They performed their music under the bizarre name of "Jimmy Eat World." I had researched the band beforehand, and discovered at least one song that I actually enjoyed. "The Middle." Thankfully, they performed that song last night.

"Green Day" were the headliners. They appeared last.

"Let's try to get closer, Dad," Meagan begged as the stage crew prepared for the arrival of her favourite band.

The crowd was incredible. So many bodies, all jostling for a better position from which to watch their heroes on stage. The air was so hot and so humid, my glasses often steamed over rendering it all rather surreal, like as in a dream - a nervous, possibly frightening dream. I was so grateful the show was outdoors. It would have been even hotter indoors. Numerous times I found myself on the verge of panic as I struggled to breathe cool, fresh air and found none. Often I was unable even to raise my arms in the crush of bodies. But through it all, I maintained my sweaty grip on Meagan's hand. I glanced at her. She seemed a bit frightened. Or was it excitement? I couldn't tell.

"Please, Dad!" she screamed. "We have to get closer! It's my only chance to see Billie Joe! Please, Dad!!"

I took a great gulp of hot, stale air and began to squeeze forward. Forty feet from the stage. Now thirty feet. Twenty feet. Suddenly, the crowd went wild. Billie Joe Armstrong and his Green Day band entered the stage amid flashing lights and pyrotechnics. And the moshers began again as the music blared from huge towers of speakers. "American Idiot."

It was absolute bedlam, Ms J. I very nearly went down a few times. It was all I could do to remain upright and to hold onto my girl. Despite my earplugs, the sound was nearly deafening.

"HOLD ON, MEAGAN," I screamed. "LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!"

I knew she couldn't hear me. I pulled her behind me as I elbowed my way away from the stage, through a now faceless crowd. I could feel myself panicking. I was so afraid for my little girl. And for myself. I used my free arm to push people aside. I was beyond manners, beyond politeness and courtesy.

"GET OUT OF THE WAY!" I screamed. "GET AWAY FROM ME! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!"

The music was so loud and the crowd so frenzied, that a couple of times, people thought I was moshing and they pushed me violently this way and that. Through it all, I held tight to Meagan's wet hand and prayed we didn't get separated. After what seemed an eternity, we emerged breathless in a tiny clearing perhaps two hundred feet from the stage. I looked at Scout and she looked at me. We were both wide-eyed and gasping for breath. I held her to my chest and screamed in her ear.

"ARE YOU ALRIGHT, MEAGAN?"

She nodded her head numbly and bit her lip. We breathed together there for a while until the song ended. I don't think either of us had been prepared for that. I know I wasn't.

We could see the stage better from our new vantage point, though. And we were far enough from the mosh pit that I felt safe. I began to relax then and even enjoy the music. Meagan is only about five feet two and I kept crouching down to her eye level to see what she could see. There was only an ocean of heads and shoulders with an occasional glimpse of the floodlit stage. I longed to lift her on my shoulders, but my back was just too bloody sore. Luckily though, there were huge monitors suspended on either side of the stage and remote cameras offered us fabulous views of the performance.

Green Day put on an awesome show. They did all their biggest hits. They whipped the crowd into a lathered frenzy with hard-driving songs and then soothed us again with quieter ones. They played for a full two hours. My heart wanted more while my leg and my back begged to see the finale.

And the finale, Ms J! Oh, my word. What a grand finale!

Billie Joe ordered the lights extinguished - all of them - and invited the crowd to show the light from cigarette lighters and cell phones. Tens of thousands of young arms and tens of thousands of Bic lighters and cell phones swayed in unison to and fro to the strains of "Time of Your Life." I watched and listened as voices and hearts became one. In music, thousands of disparate and distinct spirits can join together as one. For me, this is the best part of any concert. It is what makes music so important to us. It's absolutely magical.

It was a good day, Ms J. A special, exciting day. A Green Day, spent with my teenage daughter.

Tickets: $115.
T-shirt: $30.
Poster: $15.

Meagan's arms around me, shaking with the release of intense emotion. Tears and eye-liner coursing down her cheeks. "Thank you so much, Daddy. This was the BEST day ever. I love you!"

Well, that's just priceless, Ms J. Priceless.


Absolutely Priceless!

***

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Thursday, August 11, 2005

A Boring, Busy Day

I went to see my niece again today. It was my fourth visit to her Dental College. I thought it was to be my last. But apparently, my teeth are extraordinarily dirty, and I'll require one more treatment. The process is excruciatingly slow, Ms J. The instructors come round to inspect every tiny facet of Sherri's work. It's very exacting at this stage. But we all have to learn, don't we? And for Sherri, I would go to the end of the earth.

After my dental appointment, I rushed off to an appointment with my doctor. I need a complete physical exam to return to work. Eye test. Hearing test. The works. I asked the receptionist - her name is Donna - if she'd received my medical records from the hospital.

"Yup," she said. "I sure did, Dale. I faxed them to the insurance company for you. The one in Montreal."

I thanked her and raced home to phone Marie-Christine to make sure she got the information she needed.

"Yes," she said with her cute little French accent. "I 'ave all doz ting now. I'll be putting you back on da benefit hagain tommorow, for shore."

All's well that ends well, Ms J. I'm going now to get Meagan. She and I plan to attend a "Green Day" concert tomorrow night. Fifty miles away. Outdoors. In the rain. And there's no seating. It'll be just me and my girl. And 50,000 screaming teenagers.

Pray for my weak back, Ms J. And for my bad leg. God help us.

***

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Wednesday, August 10, 2005

A Perfect Morning

The alarm clock woke me at 6:15 this morning. It felt strange to be up and about so early. I had an appointment with Sherri to continue my dental treatment. We met at her school at 8:00. I was all done by 10:15. I drove then to St. Joseph's Hospital to ask if I could have copies of Dr. Roscoe's clinical reports at the fracture clinic. Great West Life Assurance informed me recently that they need an update in order to continue my benefits.

I expected a hassle from hospital staff, but they were very helpful. The smiling woman at "Medical Records" gave me two options:

They could provide me a copy of my records, but it would cost $140. The second option was to have my records faxed to my family doctor.

I frowned and asked, "How much would that cost?"

"Nothing," was her happy reply. "Do you think you might go for option number two, then?"

She was young, Ms J. Japanese, maybe. Very pretty.

"Ummm ... Yes. Let's go with the second option," I laughed.

I signed a form and showed her my government health card. She promised me my records would be faxed tomorrow to my family doctor.

When I got home, I called my doctor and told the receptionist what I'd done. I gave her the toll free Montreal number of Great West Life and asked her to send my records on to Marie-Christine, the cute-sounding French-Canadian girl at GWL.

"No problem, Dale," she assured me. "I'll make sure they get it as soon as I receive it. Don't worry."

So that was it, then. Done and dusted. And all before lunch. Brilliant!




Here's something we should all have a go at. Are you addicted to the internet? Visit this site and take the quiz. My score was 13. I found this link on Digital Doorway. Thanks, Keith.

***

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Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Dan: Epiblogue

I went to physio this morning, but my heart wasn't in it. I don't easily conceal my feelings, Ms J.

"You look so sad, Dale," said Beenzy. "What's wrong?"

I told her about Dan being in court this morning and that I was worried about him.

"Are you thinking you should be with him?" she asked.

"I'm not sure, Beenz," I said. "I don't know how I feel. I don't know what to think."

"Have you done your weights yet?" she asked. "Cuz if you've done your strengthening exercises, you might as well take off. The weights are really the most important ones. Why don't you go and be with your son? You're not really doing much here, are you?"

Sabina was right. I really wasn't trying very hard to do my exercises properly. Or at all. All I could think of was Dan, so I left the clinic about 10:30 and came home. I found the court house address and phone number on the internet and called for information.

"Can you tell me if you have a Daniel Pringle on the docket there this morning?"

The lady told me yes.

"What time is he supposed to appear?"

"Nine a.m.," she said.

I looked at my watch. It was 10:45.

"Do you know if his case has been heard yet?" I asked.

She said she didn't know, but she thought most likely it had.

"They usually don't get too far behind schedule until after noon."

I thanked her and hung up the phone. There was nothing I could do now. There was no sense in driving a half hour to Burlington. Dan may well have been on his way home. Or in jail. I paced around the house here like a tiger in a cage for a few minutes until the phone rang. It was Reverend Linda from church.

"Oh hi Dale. I was just calling to thank you again for your sermon on Sunday. It was awesome. I hope you'll do another one for us someday."

And she went on. My ego was devouring her praise like a hungry dog might gorge itself on a rabbit. But my heart couldn't enjoy it.

"Are you busy right now, Linda?" I asked. "I'd like to come over and talk with you."

I visited with Linda for nearly two hours. She assured me that my decision not to help Dan was probably the best thing to do. And she reminded me of the parable of the prodigal son.

"We each have a path to follow, Dale. Maybe this is just part of God's plan for Daniel. You once told me you were in your 40's before you began to wake up."

She was right. Dan is foolish and reckless and inexperienced. He's not even nineteen yet, though. He still has time to grow up.

I met a friend, Frankie, for lunch. We talked about Dan and we talked about my decision not to drive him to court this morning. I wondered aloud if I'd made the right choice.

"Don't worry," Frankie said as she picked at her French fries. "As soon as you make a decision, The Universe adjusts."

I guess she was implying that any decision would be a good one, and I felt better. Frankie often seems to know just the right thing to say ...

I called Kelly tonight to ask about Dan. Apparently, he's too angry with me to talk to me. That's fine. I'm not exactly thrilled with him either.

"What happened, Kelly? Who drove him to Burlington? What happened in court?"

Kelly said she called the police and manipulated them into collecting Dan at home and delivering him to court twenty miles away. The police would have brought him home too, but Dan met a neighbour outside the court house, and caught a ride home with them. His case was remanded to September because he had no lawyer. I'll make sure I find out what day he's returning to court, Ms J. The police have offered to take him there again, but I might like to sit quietly in the courtroom next time and observe.

***

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Monday, August 08, 2005

Dan

I'm feeling so conflicted. What shall I do with my son, Ms J? I don't know whether he needs a hug or the length of my boot up his arse. His court date is tomorrow (Tuesday) morning. I phoned Kelly this afternoon to ask about sitting Daniel down and trying to reason with him on Thursday, when I go to collect Meagan. (I'm taking my best girl to see Green Day in concert on Friday evening.) At the time, I didn't know the date of his court appearance. Indeed, mother and son had conspired to keep it a secret until Saturday afternoon at Meagan's rodeo.

"Oh hi, Dale," Kelly said on the phone today. "I was going to call you. What are you doing tomorrow morning? Are you busy?"

I told her I had a physiotherapy appointment.

"Oh, that's too bad. I was hoping you might be available to take us to court."

I was taken aback. I didn't expect the court date would be so soon. Why hadn't she told me earlier? Why didn't I ask at the rodeo? I could have arranged to drive Dan to court. I could have prepared myself emotionally. I didn't really know what to say now. So I spoke my Truth.

"You know what, Kelly?" I began. "I'm not the one who behaves like a deranged madman. It's not my fault he has to go and face a judge. I'm done helping him. I tried helping him last winter. He thanked me by packing his belongings and moving back to your place. We had a treatment plan all mapped out for him, but he walked away from it. Then he came here to help me when my leg was broken. He did nothing but worry me, staying out late, sleeping late, and getting high in my garage. He's a selfish little shit, and it's time he learned a little responsibility. Let him find his own way to the court house."

"But it's in Burlington, Dale. How will he get there from Acton? Scott, or Daniel's father as I call him, knew about this a long time ago, but he's decided to go to New York or someplace on business. He can't drive us. I don't have a car. I don't know what to do."

Scott again. Scott was informed about my son's arrest and impending trial. But nobody told me. You see what I mean, Ms J? You see why I feel jealous of Scott? And why did she have to throw in that bit about "Daniel's father as I call him"? Why did she need to say that? I resisted the urge to quarrel with her.

"I'm sorry, Kelly. I won't tell you what to do here. I know you love the boy and you want to help him. I understand that. You know I love him too. But you're asking me to help him and I just won't do it. He got himself into this mess. He can get himself out of it. Seems to me, the best way to help him right now, is not to help him at all."

She actually surprised me with her calmness. I had expected an attack with guilt-tipped spears. I had expected more self-indulgent rubbish. More self-pity. Tears and hysterics. But there was none of that. When she spoke, her voice was flat.

"If he doesn't go to court, he'll be in even more trouble."

"I know, Kelly. Failure to appear is a serious charge. They'll just add more time to his sentence, if he gets one. Does Dan know what'll happen if he doesn't show? Is he nervous?"

I could hear her blowing a cloud of tobacco smoke and I waited for her response.

"Yeah, he knows that. And yes, he's nervous. He's trimmed his beard and pulled his hair back into a ponytail. He's panicking because he says he has nothing to wear."

"Why doesn't he cut his hair, Kelly? He looks like a filthy stemmer. All he needs is a bottle in a brown paper bag to complete the ensemble."

That was a bit harsh, Ms J. I wished I hadn't said it. Luckily, Kelly didn't react to it, so I continued to rave.

"I'm so disgusted with that kid, Kel'. He lies. He steals. He abuses drugs. He won't work. I'm ashamed of my son. I love him, dammit, but I'm ashamed of him. Maybe a few months behind bars will do him good."

I was building up a full head of steam and feeling quite self-righteous in my reproach until Kelly stopped me in my tracks.

"But what if he's sick, Dale? What if there's really something wrong with him, something we can fix with drugs or therapy? What if he can't help how he behaves?"

I stopped, took a deep breath and exhaled. She had a good point. What if ...?

"Maybe the courts will get him the help he needs, Kelly. Maybe they'll order him into a treatment centre or to see a psychiatrist regularly. He wouldn't listen to me. Maybe he'll listen to a judge."

Why must Life be so difficult for some people, Ms Journal? Why must it be so hard for my son?

***

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Sunday, August 07, 2005

Here's the sermon:

Here's my sermon, based on Matthew 14 verses 21-32. I'll be saying it this morning. Be sure and scroll down to my previous post. Meagan's rodeo wasn't that great, but I received some disturbing news about Dan.





Stepping Out

By Dale Pringle


Matthew is a gifted story teller. He really paints some vivid images, doesn’t
he? The gospel story begins with Jesus and his disciples on the shore of the
Sea of Galilee. Jesus had been preaching to a crowd and when He was done, He asked the disciples to climb into their little boat and row back across the lake while He dismissed the crowd. So the disciples left their master there and jumped in the boat and started back across the lake. (Now here’s where the story gets exciting.)

Soon there came a storm. A fierce storm. The boat, the scriptures tell us, was “battered by the waves, far from the land. For the wind was against them.”

It was late in the evening and getting dark. The twelve men spent the entire night in that little boat, tossed about like a cork on the inky black, and taking turns, I suppose, pulling for dear Life on the long, wooden oars. They were whipped by the wind and soaked to the skin by the rain and the waves. They would have been blind in the darkness for there would have been no bright moon to light their way. It must have been terrifying. I can imagine they called out to each other, offering and receiving encouragement. They may have held each other. Some may have wept in despair. And they probably prayed to God for deliverance from their horrible predicament.

Early in the morning, just as the sun was struggling to appear through the thick clouds and heavy rain, Jesus came walking toward them on the sea. The frantic disciples thought at first they had seen a ghost and they were more terrified than ever. They’d spent all night doing battle with the wind and waves, and with their own fears, and now with the faint hope of dawn, came Death itself, walking slowly toward them on the frothy seas. And they cried out in fear.

Jesus said, “It’s OK, guys. Don’t be afraid. It’s me!”

But Peter wasn’t ready to believe yet. After all, he’d had a pretty rough night. So he called out to Him.

“Yeah right. If it’s really you, Lord, then command me to come to you on the water.”

Command me, he said. Order me. Make me do it. Make me step out of this boat. Clearly, Peter wasn’t too sure of himself. He doubted not only Jesus, but also himself. His own faith. He wanted Jesus to force him to act. Perhaps he knew he wasn’t brave enough to do it alone.

Now Jesus could have told his friend to stay in the boat. He would have reached the boat himself in a minute or two. Or He could simply have calmed the storm right then. But He didn’t. Matthew tells us Jesus spoke but one word to Peter.

Come.

That’s it. That’s all He said. Come. I can’t imagine a more sincere invitation.

Maybe He extended His arms out in front of Him, much like a mother might do to encourage a baby’s first steps.

“Come,” He said.

So Peter came. Peter climbed over the side of that wooden boat and without another thought, set out toward Jesus. On foot. Through the howling wind. Across the waves. He was doing just fine until it occurred to him that he was doing the impossible. He lost faith. And he started sinking like a stone.

“Lord! Save me!” he shouted.

And Jesus reached down and pulled him up out of the water and set him back in the boat, just as nice as you please. Then Jesus asked him that question – that important, yet I suspect rhetorical question.

“You of little faith. Why did you doubt?”

Why did you doubt? Why did you doubt you could do what I asked of you? Why did you doubt I would help you? Why did you doubt that I am the Son of God?

Jesus stepped into the boat with his disciples and suddenly, the storm was gone. The seas were calm. Just like that. The wind was quiet and the early morning sun cast its radiant glow across the smooth water. Just like sunrise at the cottage. And those in the boat worshipped Him saying, “Truly, you are the Son of God!”

Don’t you just love a happy ending? Me too.

You know what part of this story excites me the most, though? It’s not the rescue of the hapless disciples, or the calming of the storm, or even the walking on water, although I’ll admit that’s pretty impressive.. The part I like best is when Jesus invites Peter to step out of the boat.

“Come,” He says.

I mean, can’t you just see Jesus standing there on the water, robe whipping about in the gale? Arms outstretched? Hair blowing straight back? Rain and waves crashing all around Him. Lightning flashing. Thunder crashing. Wow! It must have been an awesome spectacle.

And poor Peter, wet, frightened, totally freaked out by the storm, puts his trust in this apparent apparition and steps out. The Lord invites him, commands him, to step out of the relative safety of that little boat into the churning froth of the sea, and Peter obeys. Surely Jesus must have known what would happen.

As soon as Peter realizes he’s out of his element, he panics. He loses faith. He started out bravely enough, but when the going got tough, Peter couldn’t handle it. He assumed all was lost and his despair pulled him down.

That’s an interesting word, despair. It comes to us from the French and it translates quite literally as out of, or away from hope.

Peter lost hope, didn’t he? He lost faith and trust. And he sank. But Jesus was there. All Peter had to do was ask for help and he was rescued. Saved. Jesus saves. No problem. The hand of God was there, extended to help. There was no lecture. No admonishment. And in the end, no reason to doubt.

Friends, every time we find ourselves in trouble, every time we suffer the storms of Life, God invites us to step out of the boat and face that storm. He’ll be there to help us. He’s always been there to help us. This is the good news. This is the promise of God, made and kept. Again and again. Think of a time when you, like Peter, were in the depths of despair. It ended happily didn’t it? And if you’re not happy, then it hasn’t ended yet.

Take heart. Be brave. And trust in God.

Would you like to meet that new neighbour? Step out of the boat!
Are you struggling with an apology, or perhaps forgiveness? Step out of the boat!
Do you need help with something, but you’re too proud to ask? Step out of the boat!

I fell and broke my leg last winter. Remember? I sure do. It was painful and debilitating. The most painful part was admitting that I couldn’t look after myself. I was dependent on the kindness and good will of others. I couldn’t drive. I couldn’t do laundry. And I couldn’t cook. I still can’t cook, but you get the idea.

The storms of Life? Oh yeah. I was right in the thick of it. My heart ached. My leg ached. And I felt I was all alone. But you see I wasn’t alone. Although I doubted initially, I did not doubt for long. Friends and neighbours phoned or dropped by nearly every day for three months to check on me. To see if I needed anything. To do my shopping, my laundry. To bring me food. To carry out my trash. One remarkable woman took me to physiotherapy three times a week. Faithfully and cheerfully.

I came to see the face of God not only in Joan, but in each and every person who offered help and on every single Get Well card I received. I stepped out of the pride boat and asked for help.

“Lord, save me!” I prayed. And it was so.

He reached down and pulled me up. But the most important thing was that I took the first step. I was called, like Peter, like all of us, to take that first, shaky step, out of the boat, into the storm, and eventually into the hands of God. And just like Peter, I felt God’s presence in my time of need.

“In Life, in death,
in Life beyond death,
God is with us.
We are not alone.”

Don’t you just love a happy ending? Me too.

Amen.

***

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Saturday, August 06, 2005

At the Rodeo

I went to Meagan's little rodeo this morning. T'weren't much, really. Meagan didn't even ride. (I wonder if her "little problem" made her choose not to ride.) The rodeo lasted about an hour and a half. We watched the counselors barrel race and some of the young campers tried roping a goat. Goat roping looks like calf roping, but it's a lot slower. And more boring. Quite honestly, Ms J, the rodeo was crap.

Kelly was there of course. She's Meagan's mum, after all. Scott was there. He's Meagan's stepfather. Or something. And Tim was there. Tim is the father of baby Emily, Meagan's half-sister. Bob was there, too. Daniel did not attend. (I'll come back to Dan in a moment.) Bob is Kelly's new boyfriend. Or something. He looked a little uncomfortable in the company of three of Kelly's ex-lovers. Perhaps he was the only one of us who was normal. Kelly presided over the day as though she were Cleopatra - Queen of Denial.

At first I found myself judging her, criticizing her. Condemning her. But when I tried to find some common ground, I came up with this:

We're both scared. Kelly's afraid to be without a relationship; I'm afraid to be in one. Kelly is convinced she cannot survive without a man, and I'd rather spend the rest of my Life alone, than suffer another heartbreak like when Donna said good-bye. I hate to say it, but it could be we're more alike than either of us would care to admit. At least in terms of relationships.

I'm still the father to Dan and Meagan. Kelly is still the martyr.

She spread a wool blanket on the grass by the corral and I sat beside her. Her harem of men wandered off to talk amongst themselves. Comparing notes, no doubt.

"Where's Dan?" I asked getting comfortable.

She looked around her on the grass and reached for her purse. It was just beyond her grasp.

"Hand me my purse will you, Tim?"

"Do I look like Tim, Kelly?"

"Oh god. Sorry, Sc... Shit. I mean Dale. DALE."

We laughed at her confusion. So many men. Shared laughter often brings people together, Ms J, and in that moment, I felt close to Kelly. It was strange. I wanted to touch her, but I didn't. I handed her the purse and watched her as she found her cigarettes, took one out and lit it. I wanted a smoke suddenly, but I waited while the craving passed. They always pass, Ms J. I quit smoking in November of 2000.

She inhaled deeply. Exhaled loudly.

"Sorry. Where were we?"

"Daniel. Where is he? I spoke with him yesterday and he told me he'd be here."

Kelly stared straight ahead for a second while she gathered her thoughts.

"Dan's in shit again, Dale. I threw him out last week. He was gone for three days."

"Why, Kel'?" I asked. "What happened?"

"Long story."

"I've got all day, Kelly."

"Well, a lot of things, but basically he called me a c***."

"So you kicked him out. I don't blame you. What about Maxine? Is she still with you?"

Maxine is Dan's girlfriend. They've been sharing a bed under Kelly's roof for four months.

"No. I kicked her out a while ago. She eats and eats and never lifts a finger to help around the house. You have to stand behind her and tell her every little thing that needs doing."

I'm not surprised, Ms J. I met the girl only once, and she did seem a bit thick.

"Is she alright, Kelly? Maxine, I mean. She doesn't seem very bright."

I looked at my ex-wife. She was puffing desperately on her cigarette now.

"Very bright? Dale, she's retarded. Literally. She has a learning disability. She gets a disability pension from the government."

My heart felt suddenly heavy. It was Kelly who got the two together in the first place.

"Don't you think our son deserves better than that, Kelly?" I asked gently.

I don't recall her answer now, but it wasn't particularly satisfying. I decided to drop it and move on.

"Where's Maxine now?"

"Back with her mum in Guelph, I guess. I don't know. I don't care."

"And Dan?"

"Home. Alone."

I sensed there was more she wanted to say. So I sat there staring at her. Kelly's face was turned toward the corral where kids on horseback were galloping around the ring, carrying Maple Leaf flags. The small crowd offered polite applause. The midday sun was baking me. Finally, she spoke.

"We have to go to court next week."

"Who?"

"Dan. He got arrested a while ago. Again. I forgot to tell you."

My response was sarcastic.

"Yeah. Must have slipped your mind I guess."

"I didn't tell you because you would have freaked out."

"You don't know that, Kelly. And by keeping it from me, you denied me any response at all. Why was he arrested?"

"Remember the time last spring when he had a knife and he forced us all out of the house and locked us out?"

"Yeah. But I thought that was all over now."

"Well, apparently, when the cops came, he was resisting arrest. He must have cut one of the cops with his knife. He's charged now with weapons offenses, and assaulting an officer."

I had almost hoped Kelly would ask for money for a lawyer. I was looking forward to telling her no. She said they've got a legal aid lawyer, a poor man's defense.

Maybe my boy will go to jail. He'll regret it if he does. He's eighteen. He'll definitely have a criminal record. He'll come to regret that too, when - IF - he ever tries to get a job.

You know what, Ms Journal? I'm sick of Dan and all his bullshit. I tried to help him. His mother has tried to help him. Even Kelly's boyfriends have taken turns talking to the boy. I love him. I will always love him. But I wash my hands of the whole affair. It's time Daniel started taking responsibility for his impetuous and ill-considered acts. It's time he felt the sting of consequences.




Church tomorrow. I'm doing the sermon. We'll pray for Daniel, like we always do. It hasn't helped much so far, but it doesn't cost anything. I reckon you get what you pay for.

Watch this space, Ms J. I'll post my sermon tomorrow morning. You can read it while I say it in church.

***

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Off to The Rodeo

I got a letter in the mail yesterday from Great West Life. I wondered why I hadn’t gotten any money from them lately. I’ve been waiting patiently, though.

“… in order to assess your claim beyond July 2, 2005, we will need updated medical information.
This information should include copies of :

Your physician’s clinical notes.
Any specialists’ consultation reports.
Test results.

Any fees incurred in obtaining this information are your responsibility.”

I wish I had known this earlier, Ms J. I just saw the doctor three days ago. I could have asked him then to provide the information the insurance company wants. I’m not quite sure how to proceed from here. I'll get it sorted next week.




Today is Meagan’s last day at camp. There’s a rodeo planned there so the kids can show their parents what they’ve learned about riding horses this week. I think it starts at 11:00. I’ll be there.

I wish I had my digital camera but I loaned it to Andie for her trip to Europe. She went to meet Donna (my ex-wife and her old friend) in Amsterdam. They planned to see Belgium and Luxembourg. Andie will be home on the ninth of this month, I think.

I still have my film camera, though. So I’ll take that with me to Caledon this morning. Maybe someone will have a digital camera and maybe they'll get a good shot and maybe they'll email it to me. But maybe not. I'll tell you all about it this afternoon, I hope.

***

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Friday, August 05, 2005

Not much ...

... going on today. I went to physio this morning. Barbara told me I'm nearly ready to graduate. She calls it "graduating", Ms J, as though it were a school of some sort. Perhaps it is, you know. If you'll pardon the cliches, it's a school of hard knocks where every student majors in a course of miracles. My progress has been admittedly slow, but everyone's different. The point is simply that I'm much better now than when I first began physiotherapy treatment four months ago. I'm grateful to Barb and Beenzy.

I have something else to share today, Ms J. It's a short essay called "What If ...?" I think it offers an important message for us. All of us. I hope you'll take your time with it and savour each idea as it's presented. Special thanks to you, Marie.

And Frankie, my dear friend, I'm holding you in my thoughts as I re-read this.




WHAT IF . . ? by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

WHAT IF it doesn't matter what you do but how you do whatever you do?
HOW WOULD this change what you choose to do with your life?

WHAT IF you could be more fully present and open-hearted working as a cashier in the corner store - able to really see and be with the people who come into the store- than you are when you are striving to do what you hope or think will make a more important contribution to the world and the lives of those you love?
HOW WOULD this change how you want to spend your precious time on this earth?

WHAT IF your contribution to the world and the fulfillment of your own happiness is not dependent upon discovering a better method of prayer or technique of meditation, not dependent upon reading the right book or attending the right seminar or church, but upon really seeing and deeply appreciating yourself and the world as they are right now?
HOW WOULD this affect your search for spiritual development?

WHAT IF there is no need to change, no need to try and transform yourself into someone who is more compassionate, more present, more loving or wise?
HOW WOULD this affect all the places in your life where you are endlessly trying to be better?

WHAT IF the task is simply to unfold, to become who you already are in your essential nature- gentle, compassionate and capable of living fully and passionately present?
HOW WOULD this affect how you feel when you wake up in the morning?

WHAT IF who you essentially are right now is all that you are ever going to be?
HOW WOULD this affect how you feel about your future?

WHAT IF the essence of who you are and always have been is enough?
HOW WOULD this affect how you see and feel about your past?

WHAT IF the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but rather why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?
HOW WOULD this change what you think you have to learn?

WHAT IF becoming who and what we truly are happens not through striving and trying but by recognizing and receiving the people and places and practices that offer us the warmth of encouragement we need to unfold?
HOW WOULD this shape your choices about how to spend today?




Have a magical weekend!

***

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Thursday, August 04, 2005

The New Cool

I went to see a movie last night with Girl Alex and Hanna, her sister. We had Indian food first, then went together to the cinema. The movie we saw was called "Hustle and Flow." It would not have been my first choice, Ms J. But the girls wanted to see it.

The contemporary story was built around a Memphis pimp and his "hoes". The pimp discovers he has a gift for writing and performing rap music and struggles to free himself (and his girls) from the shackles of black poverty. I enjoyed the story, Ms J. But I must admit to feeling a little uncomfortable in the seat between Alex and Hanna. Alex is just eighteen and her sister, seventeen.

I don't know how it is elsewhere, but here in North America, it's become trendy to be a poor, un-educated, disrespectful and violent inner city black youth. Or at least to talk and dress like one. Even affluent white kids wear their baseball caps sideways and pull their pants down to below their buttocks, covering themselves with basketball jerseys that are as long as dresses. Wearing clothes that are five sizes too big is cool. Rap music is cool, especially if the lyrics glorify violence and degrade women. Drugs are cool. So is violence. Knives. Guns. Gangs even, I suppose. I just don't understand it, Ms J. I just don't know how it became cool to hurt people, and to disrespect others and yourself.

I read a post a few weeks ago by Jack over at Quick Quack . He wrote his entire post in the vernacular of the young blacks in his neighbourhood. I understood the words, but together, they made no sense. I may as well have been reading the phone book. That's the way the characters spoke in "Hustle and Flow". As if that weren't hard enough to understand, they spoke with a Tennessee accent. A Negro Tennessee accent. I understood very little of the first twenty minutes of the movie, although I did hear numerous references to "hoes", "bitches", "niggers" (a word that makes my skin crawl!) and "mother-fuckers." But as I said earlier, this is all cool. It's become a part of popular youth culture throughout Canada and the U.S. Frankly, I find it absolutely appalling.

It appeals to teens because they're anxious to assert their independence from their parents and this filth is another way they can rebel against society. I worry about Meagan. She already uses words like "mo-fo" and "bitches". Not as a regular part of her speech, I don't think, but it's clear she's looking in that direction. I've told her I won't countenance language like that. Hopefully, she'll come to realise how disrespectful it sounds.

In the car on the way home, I asked G.A. and Hanna what they thought of the film.

"I liked it," said Alex. "But I hated how they always called women 'bitches'. It sounds awful." And she wrinkled her nose in distaste.

"I liked it too," said Hanna from the back seat. "But I agree with Ally. A bitch is a dog. We're not dogs. We're women."

I smiled broadly in the glow of the dash lights. Maybe all is not lost, Ms Journal. Maybe there's hope yet, for the future of youth.

***

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Wednesday, August 03, 2005

She Needed Me

And I was there.

Meagan called today. Collect. After I'd accepted the charges, I heard Meagan's voice on the other end. Something was wrong.

"Hi Daddy," she began. "I'm calling you from camp. I have a bit of a problem."

My heart skipped a beat.

"What's the matter, Scout? Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, but I have a little problem. I tried calling Mum but her phone won't accept collect calls."

I felt so relieved that I was home to answer the phone when she called.

"Tell me what's wrong, Meagan. I'll help you."

But she was more than a little reticent. The longer she hesitated, the more concerned I became. I waited impatiently, listening to my breath in the phone.

"Well," she began slowly, "I kinda started my period a little while ago. Remember when I first got it, Dad? And I had to come home from school and I was bleeding so much even Mummy was scared? Remember that?"

"Yes, honey. I remember."

She was feeling more comfortable as she talked openly with me and her speech resumed its normal tempo and trill.

"Well, then everything seemed OK for a couple of months and then I didn't get my period for, like four months."

There was a moment of awkward silence as I took in what she'd said. I sat here gravely nodding my head and waiting for the rest of the story.

"And now, Meagan?"

"Now it's back, Dad. After four months, it's back. With a vengence. And I don't have anything with me. Can you call Mum and ask her to bring me some tampons. I need the super ones, Dad. The super duper ones."

I thought of my friend, Jennefer.
Jenn lives in Orangeville, less than ten minutes from Teen Ranch.

"I'll call Jenn, Meagan. She lives the closest. It would take Mum an hour to get there. Me too. Jenn can buy you what you need and be there in fifteen minutes. How's that?"

She was fine with that and so I hung up the phone and dialed Jenn's number.

"Please be home, Jenn. Please Lord, let her be home. Either her or Jane."

My friends were both at home. They went out immediately and purchased Meagan's feminine products. Then they drove to Teen Ranch, found my girl in bunkhouse #3, and gave her the package.

Fifteen minutes later, my phone rang again. It was Jenn.

"Mission accomplished," she said.

I'm pleased that Meagan called me (and not Scott) when she needed help. And I'm thrilled that I was there for her. Thank you Jenn and Jane! How lucky we are that you live so close to that camp!

***

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Tuesday, August 02, 2005

How it was/How it is

I'm home from the hospital, Ms J. Joan was kind enough to deliver me there and collect me afterward. Parking is nearly impossible around the hospital. My appointment was scheduled for 9:30 and they were running on time at the fracture clinic this morning. How nice! I waited less than 15 minutes before my name was called.

"Dale Pringle?"

As I stood and walked toward the door, I remembered my first few visits there and how painful it all was: removal of the cast, lying still for an x-ray, and then being fitted with a new cast. How far I've come since those dark days, I thought. How much has changed. I despaired then of ever being my old self again. I followed the technician into the x-ray department and smiled behind him.


How it was. Feb. 8, 2005 Ouch!!

I removed my sandal and laid down on the table. It was thinly padded and covered with a white linen bed sheet. Above my head loomed the x-ray camera, a machine that still amazes me even though it is, by today's standards, old technology. Lying on my right side, I extended my right leg down and turned my foot out. I'm quite familiar with the procedure now, Ms Journal. The man placed a rectangular black panel beneath my lower leg and then covered my hip with a small lead shield. X-rays cannot penetrate lead and so my testicles remained protected from radiation.

"That's fine. Hold still please."

Buzzzz.

"OK. On your back now. We'll get a shot from the front."

Black panel. Lead pad. Buzzzz.

"OK. That's it then. All done. You can go and see the doctor now."


How it is. A titanium plate and nine screws. No wonder my leg still feels sore sometimes.

I wandered back across the hall and climbed onto an examination table. I waited no more than five minutes to see the doctor.

"And how are you feeling today?" he asked and it looked as though he were addressing my foot. I assumed he was talking to me, though, so I told him I was fine.

"How's the foot?" he asked. "Have you regained any of the movement there?"

I pointed my toes down and wiggled my foot for him.

"Yeah, Doc," I said proudly. "I'm doing real well. See?"

He nodded his head and scribbled something on my chart. I craned my neck to see what he'd written, but of course, it was illegible.

"Are you ready to go back to work?"

His question caught me off guard. I suppose I could return to work anytime now. I'm probably strong enough now. But the Truth, Ms J, is that I'm nervous about going back. I can't remember all the things I need to know to do my job. I don't know the schedule anymore. I can't remember all the train numbers. And I sure as hell don't fancy getting out of bed at 4:00 a.m. The Truth is that I've grown fat and lazy and I really don't want to go back to work. I haven't worked in six months. I'm having too much fun now to go back to work.

"Well," I began slowly. "Maybe I should take a couple more weeks. I think I could use another fortnight."

I waited then and when he didn't respond immediately, I added, "Or ten days. Or a week even. Whatever you think."

"I put down September 5th on this medical form. That'll get you paid til then," he said. "No sense rushing back to work. Maybe you could kind of ease into it. Gradually, you know?" And he handed me the form he'd filled out.

"As far as I'm concerned, your leg is healed. You can go back to work whenever you want. Take a few more weeks, though, if you feel you need more time. I noticed you still walk with a bit of a limp. Does it hurt to walk, or is it just weak muscles?"

I told him it hurt a bit first thing in the morning, but mostly it was just weakness that caused the limp.

He offered his hand to help me off the table. "Come back and see me in six weeks. I imagine you'll be back to work by then, eh?"

I was nodding my head before he'd finished speaking. "Oh yeah. I'll take another week or two and then start easing back into it."

"Good then. See you next month." He squeezed my shoulder and patted me. "You'll be alright now, Dale. You're alright now."

Yup. I'm alright now, Ms J. I've put a mark on the calender to indicate my return to work. August 29th.

No sense rushing back to work. Maybe I could kind of ease into it. Gradually, you know?

***