More Thoughts About Dan

Sometimes, Ms Journal, church really hurts. Yesterday morning was one of those times. I can't even remember clearly what Linda's sermon was about, but it seemed to speak to my heart. Even the hymns and prayers seemed to invite me to let go of my anger and disappointment in my wayward son, and move toward forgiveness, acceptance, and Love. The tears rolled freely and copiously down my cheeks throughout most of the service.

Dan is my son. He's nineteen. His recent past has involved drug addictions, mental illness, court appearances, violence. His mother introduced him to the daughter of a friend late last winter and they've become a couple. Maxine. Maxine's mother is an alcoholic. Maxine has, I believe, fetal alcohol syndrome. She's mildly retarded. When Maxine's home Life became difficult, Kelly (my ex-wife) invited her to live with them. Dan and Maxine soon became bunk mates. Maxine now carries my son's baby in her seventeen year old womb. The child is due in April.

I am angry. I am hurt and disappointed. I had hoped for something better for my son. But like Girl Alex and, I suppose, most young people, Dan prefers to suffer Life the hard way. Yes, he's had some emotional and mental problems. I am aware of that. I am compassionate, but only up to a point. Sooner or later, one must take responsibility for one's own situation and act to improve things. But not Dan. He has stumbled from the path and continued to crash stubbornly through Life's brambles. He has no education. He has a low-paying job at a local drugstore. And he has taken a retarded girl as his beloved and gotten her pregnant.

What will he do now, Ms J? How will he live? And how will he care for two children (the infant and its mother) when he cannot look after himself?

Luckily, Dan has all the answers. He's nineteen. He's probably not concerned in the least. He's got it all figured out. The Truth, Ms Journal, as I see it, is this:

The boy hasn't sense enough to know how dire his situation is, or how desperate it may become.

I am an adult. I'm able to see the potential for hardship and heartache in the months ahead. I worry about my son. And yes, I think about the unborn child, too. My grandchild. In Truth, I don't think much about Maxine. Isn't that awful? I just don't feel anything for this poor waif. Nothing. My secret wish is that she might just quietly vanish, taking the child with her. But I don't think that will happen. Daniel is, according to his sister, trying to demonstrate responsibility, albeit too late to prevent the birth of a child. He's suggested recently that he'll probably marry Maxine.

God help them both.

I see the folly in that from personal experience. I married the first girlfriend I ever had. We had children together. I didn't love Kelly, but I was too inexperienced even to know it at the time. I just wanted to be a grown-up and get married and be a daddy. But at least I waited until I was married, and had a good job before I became a daddy. And it was still very difficult.

What about Christmas, Ms J? What will happen this year? I hope it's not as sad and sorry a Christmas as it was last year. Remember? I'll never forget. For more than ten years, Kelly and I have shared Christmas with Dan and Meagan. One year, I'd have the kids on Christmas Eve and the next year, I'd have them Christmas Day. What will happen this year? Do I buy gifts for Dan? Do I buy gifts for Maxine? As I say, I don't even like her. Dan's angry with me. I'm angry with him. Meagan loves us both. And Kelly ... Don't get me started, Ms J.

Everything's changing. Getting complicated. Kelly's planning to move at the end of this month. So says Meagan. To Oshawa. Dan and Maxine are a package now. I can't have Dan without seeing this girl and her swollen abdomen. I don't want to see that, Ms Journal. I just don't want to look at it. At all. Moot point, though. Dan doesn't want to see me. And this baby ... The baby will arrive in the spring. What then?

Will Kelly move into Tim's mother's home? Tim, Kelly, Meagan, Emily. Four temporary houseguests. That will be stressful. And what of my boy and his girlfriend? Where will they live? How will they live? Will they move in with Tim's mother along with the rest of them? Or will Dan find an apartment to share with Maxine? He earns about $800. a month, Ms J. It will cost at least $500. a month to rent a crappy flat above a store in Acton.

You may tire of hearing about Dan's challenges, and about my struggle to accept these inevitable changes, Ms Journal. But I make no apologies. I will continue to type out my thoughts and feelings until it begins to make sense to me. And that may well take a long, long time.

You know, Ms J, when I talk to you, I know God is listening too.

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