A Raise in Pay

When I was at Mum’s last week, I called the Family Responsibility Office. Two days in a row, actually. I told them about my ex's refusal to agree to stop support payments. I told them I’d sent an official FRO application to stop payments on my own. And I told them Meagan had been living with me since January 14th.

The lady with whom I spoke promised to send a letter to my employer ordering them to stop support deductions until further notice. The next day, I spoke with a man in that office who, after speaking with my ex-wife, told me he’d refund the remaining balance of my FRO account.

"She has no case," he said. "And you've given her two month's worth for free. You've been more than fair."

Recently, I received a copy of the notice that was sent to CN payroll. The letter orders them to stop deducting support payments immediately. And today, I received a cheque from them in the amount of $156.81

Maybe it’s over then. Maybe I’m all finished giving my hard-earned wages to that detestable woman. I will not hesitate to go to court if necessary to prove my claim.

For 14 years, I have paid faithfully and without interruption. I paid $1400 per month for six months in 1994. It was reduced then to $1200 which I paid monthly until September of 2004. From then until now, I’ve paid only for Meagan - $600/month.

Let’s do the math then, shall we?

6 months x $1400 = $8400

(12 months x $1200) x 9.75 years = $140,400

42 months x $600 = $25,200

8400 + 140,400 + 25,200

$174,000.-

I’ve paid the woman $174,000.

I think I’ve paid enough, Ms J.

Yes, I think I’ve paid enough.

And she's used the money so wisely ...

***

Over the Weekend

I had a lovely long weekend, Ms J. It was a Good Friday, a great Saturday, a brilliant Sunday and a peaceful Monday.

I spent Saturday with Colleen, so of course, that was great.

Sunday was Easter Sunday. It began with an Easter sunrise service on the shore of Lake Ontario. About fifteen stalwart friends from church stood together and watched the sun make a grand entrance, gently spreading its golden blanket across the water. We heard Colleen read from a book of modern psalms. Her mother offered a prayer to help us welcome Spring and to rejoice in the Resurrection. And I told about an ancient Celtic ceremony wherein all the fires of the village were extinguished and then rekindled from one common flame. I spoke about purification, community, and fresh beginnings. We took candles and lit them, each from the same one. We sang hymns: "This Is The Day That The Lord Has Made" and "Morning Has Broken".

It was a simple service, Ms J, the third in as many years. It was planned and presented by Colleen and her mum. And by me. The weather was cold as usual, but we braved the elements and found the experience quite rewarding.

Over the years as a railroader, I've witnessed countless sunrises. Each one is awe-inspiring. Each one is glorious. Each one is sacred.

"And it's bedtime for kids in Australia!" remarked Ivy with a wide grin.

Even she acknowledges the mystery in it.

---

The successful applicants for the three VIA positions have been posted. My name is not among them. In Truth, I tried not to think much about it over the weekend. I refused to allow myself to get too excited about it. You know, just in case. The jobs went to two guys from Toronto and one out-of-towner. All have more seniority than I. Rumour has it that three more positions will become vacant there before summer. Maybe then ...

I'll be monitoring the situation closely, even as I relax on holidays for another three weeks. I have openly declared my disdain for my employer. I do not wish to remain part of a company who treat employees with such callous indifference, with such cruelty. My pension is transferable. I'd earn more money. I'd work with experienced people every day instead of hastily trained, poorly equipped, "teddy bears". Yes, I'd be away from home longer per trip. But accommodations are more than adequate for away-from-home employees.

Rumour has it that three more positions will become vacant there before summer.

Still waiting, Ms Journal. Waiting and hoping.

***

Good Friday

Crucified Saviour, naked God, you hang disgraced and powerless.
Grieving, we dare to hope ...

It's Good Friday, Ms J. It's the day we Christians remember the crucifixion of Christ. It's not a happy day. No, not at all. But it is a day of waiting and hoping. Today, we wait for the resurrection and for the world to be saved. Today, we wait for things to be alright again, for our fears to be cast out, and for the Light that will banish forever the darkness of our ignorance. Today, we remember the cross and in it, find renewed hope for the future.



VIA Rail has posted three new positions for locomotive engineers like me. I've applied for all three. If my seniority permits, I'll escape the oppressive tyranny at CN and start my career anew as an intercity passenger train engineer. If my seniority permits, I'll become part of the federally-owned passenger train service where employees are still valued, still treated with respect. The positions are closed on Monday. Easter Monday. I'll wait til then. And I'll hope.



Meagan is enjoying (and perhaps ignoring) this holiest of weekends. She's spending time with RJ and friends. She plans to move away from me in a few months and make a home with RJ in Georgetown. This saddens me, of course. I know the dangers there for her, but she must try her wings and grow as she sees fit. And so I wait. I wait to see which path she follows. And I hope. I hope she finds her own way, in her own time, to her own peace.



Mum and Dad are fine. Mum forgets things now sometimes. And dad's health is slowly fading. They love each other dearly and look after each other. I worry about them, nonetheless. We all do. My brother and four sisters. We all wait. And we all hope.

And so that is what this Good Friday means for me, Ms Journal. It reminds me again of the importance of, and the inevitability of, waiting and hoping.

Grieving, we dare to hope as we wait at the cross.

Amen.

***

Debt and Taxes

I'm on holidays, Ms J. Twenty-eight days away from the worry and stress at CN. I've been working an assignment lately that has Friday, Saturday, Sunday off. It's been nice to enjoy long weekends but there's a money factor I failed to calculate when I bid the job. I'm suffering some cash flow problems. Serious cash flow problems. Indeed, I've been falling deeper in debt with every payday. This is not good, not sustainable. I've made some phone calls though, to the FRO - the child support people. Hopefully, I've made my last support payment. I could sure use the extra $600 per month.

And I can't tell you how angry I am with myself for lending Jane that money last year. It's been eleven months now and she's managed to repay about $400. of the $5000 she borrowed. Never again, Ms J. Never again.

Anyway, I'm off soon to take Meagan to school. Then I'll go to Mount Forest to visit Mum and Dad for a few days. Dad's been a bit under the weather lately. Each time I visit him, I wonder if it'll be the last. He's healthy enough, I suppose. But he is 86 years old. No one lasts forever. I'm leaving Meagan here on her own. I wish I could be here with her, but I really want to see my dad.

When I get home again, I'll fill out my income tax forms and send it all off to Ottawa. I really need a refund this year. I hope it's a fat one.

Happy St. Paddy's Day!



***

A Few Pics

Not much news to report, Ms J. It's been a fairly peaceful week. Meagan is enjoying the week of March Break, a school holiday, and has spent lots of time with friends. She's a happy girl at the moment. Colleen is a happy girl too. She and I have spent the week together and enjoyed Life without the responsibility of children. Really, except for near record snowfalls here in Mimico, it's been quite pleasant.

And next week, I begin a whole month of vacation time.

Halleluiah!


Here we are at The Palais Royale last month. Stunning, aren't we?


40 cm of snow. Beautiful, but challenging.


And this one? Just gorgeous!

***

Icicle Moments

It's been a difficult week, Ms J. A number of times this week, I've been aware of feeling tense and afraid. Sometimes, I discover my shoulders are raised and I have to remember to breathe deeply and allow myself to relax. I've been worried about finances and about Meagan and of course, my job. My temper has flared and added to the chaos and brought discomfort to others.

Recently, I was walking through Union Station, Toronto's downtown commuter hub. It was the afternoon rush hour. Hordes of homeward bound commuters crowded the station platforms as they waited the arrival of their trains. The wind was brisk and cold and I drew my bare hands up into my coat sleeves. I listened to the clang of a locomotive bell amid the crunch of salt under hundreds of pairs of shuffling feet and my thoughts turned negative. I began to feel afraid again. Meagan wants to leave me this summer and go off to live with RJ. How will they survive without jobs, without money? And what about my job? What will happen to us when we lose the GO contract? I raised my head and looked up toward the concrete canopy above the tracks.

The late afternoon sun cast its rays through the long exhaust vents in the roof. Dozens of long, shiny icicles hung from the openings in straight lines like soldiers waiting inspection. Each one received and reflected the sun's sparkling light and glowed amber with pleasure. I stopped and stared and for a long time marvelled at the simple beauty of it. Thousands of people were milling about all around me, but I felt alone and strangely quiet inside. I felt peaceful and hopeful. My worries and fears faded and I was nearly overcome by a sense of joy and wellbeing. It seemed as though God himself had created the scene and placed it there for me. I accepted the gift and smiled broadly at the notion of a personal gift from The Divine.

"Here, Dale," it seemed to say. "I am here with you. Don't be afraid."

It's snowing outside. As I write this, fat, white snowflakes are falling silently onto a winter weary world. It's quite pretty, really, to watch it from indoors. I don't have to work today. And I'm relieved. Colleen spent the night with me and it felt good to wake up beside her. Since Meagan's come to stay, I haven't spent much time with Colleen. My daughter has been my prime focus, and of course, Colleen understands. She has a daughter of her own.

Colleen went off to attend a meeting this morning a few blocks away. She had only shoes to wear and so I offered my black rubber boots. Gum rubbers, Dad calls them. Wellies. I watched Colleen as she strode off down the street, her feet shuffling through the deep, fluffy snow. My boots are much too large for her but she looked adorable anyway. She looked back at me once and smiled and waved. The snow was in her hair. She was a solitary, dark figure moving steadily through a fresh, white landscape. I smiled then and waved back. My fears and worries were gone. There was only the sight of the woman I love and the soft quietude of a beautiful, wintry morn. It was a gift from God. It was an Icicle Moment.

I smiled again as I thought of it.

I thank God for His gifts. And I thank Colleen and my friends for their patience and their guidance as I strive to experience more peace in my Life. I don't have to live a Life of unrelenting anger and stress. Icicle Moments are available to me. They're ubiquitous. All I have to do, Ms J, is take the time to see them.

***

Dear Lord, Please Make It Stop

Winter storm watch for: City of Toronto

Issued by Environment Canada at 5:02 AM EST FRIDAY 7 MARCH 2008

A STORM CURRENTLY OVER ALABAMA WILL PUSH NORTHWARD TODAY AND GIVE SIGNIFICANT SNOW TO MOST OF SOUTHERN ONTARIO. THE HEAVIEST SNOWFALL IS EXPECTED TO BEGIN MIDDAY SATURDAY IN THE SOUTHWEST AND IN THE AFTERNOON OVER EASTERN ONTARIO. THE SNOWFALL DURATION WILL BE ABOUT 36 HOURS BUT THE HEAVIEST SNOW WILL BE SATURDAY AFTERNOON INTO THE EVENING. SNOWFALL WARNINGS HAVE BEEN ISSUED FOR NIAGARA REGION WHERE SIGNIFICANT SNOWFALL ACCUMULATIONS ARE EXPECTED. THIS AREA WILL LIKELY BE UPGRADED TO A WINTER STORM WARNING DUE TO ADDITIONAL SNOWFALL AND BLOWING SNOW AS THE STORM APPROACHES. THERE IS POTENTIAL FOR 30 TO 50 CENTIMETRES OF SNOW OVER THE NIAGARA PENINSULA AND PARTS OF EASTERN ONTARIO. WHITEOUT CONDITIONS ARE POSSIBLE SO TRAVELLERS SHOULD BE PREPARED TO ALTER THEIR PLANS ACCORDINGLY. ENVIRONMENT CANADA WILL CLOSELY MONITOR THIS SITUATION AND ISSUE SNOWFALL OR WINTER STORM WARNINGS AS REQUIRED. WINTER STORM WARNINGS ARE ISSUED WHEN SNOWFALL OF 25 CENTIMETRES IS EXPECTED IN 24 HOURS OR LESS OR WHEN SNOWFALL COMBINED WITH BLOWING SNOW WILL CREATE SIGNIFICANT AND POSSIBLY DANGEROUS WEATHER RELATED HAZARDS.

PLEASE REFER TO THE LATEST PUBLIC FORECASTS FOR FURTHER DETAILS.



We're growing ever more winter weary, Ms J. Oh, how we long for a sign of spring!

***

Catching Up

Hey. How you doing, Ms J? I'm fine at the moment. Work is much better now that I enjoy more regular hours. I start at 0450 and work til 0930. Then I come home and rest until 1615 when I return to work. I'm home again around 1945. No, it's not ideal, but it pays the bills. Barely. I hated the spareboard, but it sure paid well.

Speaking of bills, my ex called the other day. Seems she's changed her mind yet again.

"I'll sign that paper, Dale, as soon as I get my March payment. That was the deal. March 15th would be the last payment."

Um, yeah. Right. But you called me a "prick" and said I was "THE MOST EVIL ABUSIVE PERSON" you'd ever met. Remember? Well, I grew tired of waiting for you to sign the paper so I submitted a personal request to discontinue payments effective January 15th. That's when Meagan first came to live here. I'm not sure how this will play out, but I think I'll leave things as they are and see what the FRO have to say.

I think I've been more than fair, Ms J. Meagan's been here since mid January. I was willing to pay support until mid March. That's two free months. That's $1200. I thought that was pretty fair. But I guess if I'm to be labelled a prick, I may as well behave that way.

Meagan wants to attend a music concert on Wednesday. Wednesday, Ms J. Odd, innit? I mean who would schedule a concert event midweek? People have to work the next day. People go to school. But she wants to go. RJ's the drummer and she wants to see him play. I'm not thrilled about it, to be honest, but it won't kill her to be out late on a school night. And RJ would love to see her in the audience. Getting her there might be a bit of a problem, though. The show starts at 8:00 pm and I attend a Bible study group at Colleen's on Wednesdays. It starts at 8:00 as well. I'm sure we'll get it sorted somehow. Public transit is reliable here. She may have to take the streetcar. And I can collect her afterwards. Yeah, that could work.

I met with a friend after work this morning. We had breakfast together. Andra. Remember Andie, Ms J? She's finally finished school. She passed the Board exams and she's now a qualified dental hygienist. It's been a long, hard road and I'm so incredibly proud of her. Congratulations, Andie! I knew you could do it!

Colleen and I went to a fundraiser last Friday. Money was raised for Lakeshore Arts, our local arts community. It's right to support the arts, isn't it? We had a lovely time. We danced for the first time. That was exciting. And I danced with her mum. It was a bit awkward, but only because I'm a terrible dancer. The meal was good. We ate chicken and baby potatoes and had chocolate cake for dessert. We drank wine. I drank a lot of wine, Ms J. Too much, probably. Colleen drove home. We had a photo taken of the two of us, all dressed in fine clothes and smiling happily. It's at Colleen's house. She promised me she'd scan it and send it to me. When she does, I'll post it here.

Colleen?

***