Blue Christmas

I couldn't believe my ears.

"How much?!" I asked.

"$260.19," said the young girl behind the counter at the drug store.

I stared at her for a moment while my jaw hung slack.

"But it's only stocking stuffers," I said. "STOCKING STUFFERS!"

The lady behind me sighed too loudly and cleared her throat. I considered saying something sarcastic to her, but decided against it.

"Yes. But you have a lot of cosmetic items there, sir. They can be expensive, eh? How would you like to pay for it? Cash or debit? Our credit card thingy's not working at the moment."

I gave her my debit card and waited silently as she bagged the items. Stocking stuffers: Gum. Razors. Magazines. Eye liner. Lip gloss. Candy canes. Junk.

Two hundred and sixty dollars.

To fill three stockings: Daniel's, Meagan's and Maxine's. And what on earth does one buy for an eight-month-old? Nothing, I hope, 'cause that's what he's getting.

I hate Christmas shopping. Hate it. I hate crowds and shops and mostly, I hate wandering up and down the aisles without the slightest clue about what I should purchase. What should I buy for Meagan? She's asked for one thing only. An MP3 player - "a pretty good one." And what about Maxine? She and Dan aren't together anymore. Do I still have to get her something? And how about Dan? What gift is just right for a young man with no home, no job, no Life? Will I even see him at Christmas?

You know, Ms Journal, I wasn't always such a Scrooge at Christmas. There was a time I really enjoyed it. I had a wife to do most of the shopping and wrapping, and only two kids. Two young kids who were thrilled to find gifts under the tree and stockings full of little toy treasures. I enjoyed the music and the decorating and all the wonder and simple joy of the season. But not anymore.

It's not simple anymore. Meagan is fourteen. Dan is God-knows-where. Maxine is ... still living with Kelly and baby David. Maxine loves Dan. Dan resents Maxine and hates himself. It's all a big mess. And I don't know what to do. I don't want to disappoint the kids, but I can't afford much Christmas this year. I've gone out today, and spent a fortune on rubbish they don't need and probably don't even want.

If I buy two gifts for Meagan, do I then have to buy two for Maxine? And Dan? And will Dan be angry if I don't fill a stocking (with WHAT???) for David? Will he be disappointed in me? As disappointed as I am in him?

I have decorations in the cellar and I just can't bring myself to haul them upstairs and display them. I have Christmas CD's I don't want to listen to, and wrapping paper I don't want to look at. Two dozen Christmas cards sit on the table waiting to be addressed and mailed out. They've been there more than a week.

I have no Christmas spirit and I don't give a shit. I feel guilty and ashamed of that. And I feel incredibly stressed. Everyone else is happy. Everyone else goes out and buys gifts and wraps them. Other homes are decorated. But not mine.

I don't like Christmas. And I can't wait til it's over.

***