Tears For Fears ...

For Nothing.

I went to visit Dan and Maxine yesterday afternoon. I went to see their new baby. I didn't really want to, Ms J. I knew Kelly would be there. And Tim. And little Emily. And most probably Scott, the stepfather who won't go away. I was afraid I'd have to see them all and I wasn't sure I'd be able to behave appropriately. I was afraid my insecurities around Scott (and his continued relationship with my kids) would get in the way. I was fearful that Kelly would push my buttons and I'd get angry and spoil the afternoon for Dan. And I was still clinging to old fears for the welfare of the infant child and still worried about the parenting abilities of Dan and Maxine.

I went to church in the morning to get my mind and my heart right. Linda preached about our inability to see the big picture and cautioned us against getting impatient and doubting God's long term plan for us. She spoke to my heart. When it was prayer time, I asked her to thank God for the safe arrival of my grandson and to ask Him to help me to be a good grandad. It left me with wet cheeks.

Some of my church friends know of my struggles to accept this new Life and many of them approached me after the service to offer hugs and congratulations. I wiped away more tears. I don't know if they were sad tears or frightened tears, Ms J. Or tears of joy. I was pretty emotional.

I drove to Milton and spent the hour in the car rehearsing my lines.

If she says .... Why, I'll just say ...
If he mentions ... I'll tell him ...

It was all so unnecessary. Kelly wasn't at the hospital. None of them were. I spent an hour and a half there with my son and his girlfriend and their new little boy. I had them all to myself, Ms J. It was such a nice visit! Maxine is happy and healthy. She's sore of course, and terribly fatigued. Dan is proud. He seemed calm and confident. He is quite at peace, Ms Journal. That's something I haven't seen in my son since he was a small child. Maxine has kept him away from drugs. A child has given him confidence and self-worth. How can this be a bad thing?


David Robert. Less than one day old.

Soon visiting hours were over and Dan walked me out to the parking lot. We stood together in the afternoon sun and grinned at each other. I told him I loved him. I said I was proud of him. I offered congratulations. And before I left him, I offered some advice.

"My dad told me something the day you were born, Dan. A bit of advice. I've never forgotten it. Would you like to hear it?"

"Sure, Dad. What is it?"

"Hold the boy's hand."

"I do that already, Dad. I sit beside David and take his little --"

I shook my head.

"No, Dan. Listen. Grandad told me to 'hold the boy's hand' and when I asked him why, this is what he said."

Dan furrowed his brow and cocked his head. The wind blew a strand of long hair across his eyes and he hooked it with his thumb and secured it behind his ear. I continued.

"'Hold the boy's hand', he said. Hold it every chance you get. One day you'll reach down for it, and he'll jerk it away. When that day comes,' he said, 'and it surely will, it'll break your heart. So you take that boy's hand and you hold it just as often as you can.'"

Dan's focus was intense. His gaze was soft and his clear eyes were the colour of summer's heaven.

"Honestly, Dad? Is that what he told you?"

"That's what he told me, son. That's all the advice he gave."

"Did you take it?" he asked me.

"I sure did. It was the wisdom of my father. He gave it to me, now I'm passing it on to you. Hold the boy's hand, Dan. Hold his hand and don't ever let go."

I watched my son's eyes fill with tears and before they could spill down his cheeks, he took me in his arms and held me.

"I love you, Dad."

"I love you too, Dan."

He was still standing there, wiping his eyes and blowing tobacco smoke as I drove away. He waved and I honked the horn.


Father and son. Dan's so proud, Ms J.

On the way home, I was wondering what I should do now. What is my role as grandfather? What is my job description? A thought occurred to me. I love when that happens, Ms J. I love when thoughts occur to me.

My job now is simply this: To love. To love baby David as I have loved his father. To love him as my father loves me. The circle of Love, Ms Journal. The circle of Life. There's no clearcut beginning, and so far no dead ends.

A new chapter has begun. And my heart is free.

***