My Life: Chapter 10,037

I took Meagan home last night. In the car, on Highway 401, she spoke, breaking a comfortable silence.

"So we're movin' soon, eh Dad?"

"Moving?" I said. "Has Mummy sold the house?"

"Yeah. Well, not Mum, actually. It was Scott's house. We were renting it from him."

"I see."

I busied myself with a lane change and waited for her to continue.

"They want us out by the end of November -- the people who bought the house. So we have to move. Mum says we'll prob'ly end up in Oshawa. Tim's mum lives there, eh? So we'll prob'ly stay there for a few months til Mum and Tim find another place. Me and Emily will have to share a room."

I corrected her grammar.

"Emily and I."

"Whatever, Dad."

My thoughts came swirling to me like dry leaves before a stiff wind. Moving. Again. A new school for Meagan. New friends. Again. Oshawa is further away than Acton. It's more than an hour from Mimico. Til Mum and Tim find another place? Is Kelly so dull she wouldn't think to arrange for a home to move into when her current home was sold? Apparently. So they'll live for a few months in Tim's mother's home. Meagan will get settled in a new school, make a few friends, and then Kelly will pull up stakes and relocate again. God, how I despise that woman! She is not thinking at all of Meagan or what's best for her. And what about Dan? He's got a job, finally. Will he have to quit his job and move to Oshawa too? Ninety miles from Acton?

But I kept my thoughts to myself.

"How do you feel about moving, Scout?" I asked. "Are you excited about it or do you wish you could stay in Acton?"

"I'm not sure, exactly," she said after considering it for a moment. "I'm happy to get out of this stupid hick town, but I wish I didn't have to leave my friends."

I searched my mind desperately, looking for a way to put a postive spin on this new upheaval.

"Sometimes it's good to make a fresh start," I said, nodding my head in a bid to sound convincing. "What about Dan? Is he going too?"

A long silence followed. A few tiny drops of rain lit on the windshield. I waited as long as I could before I turned to look at my daughter. She sat there staring straight ahead, her round face lit a soft red by the tail-lights of the cars ahead.

"What's on your mind, Girl?" I asked. "Please tell me."

She spoke without moving her head.

"Can I ask you something, Dad? Without you getting upset?"

Shit, I thought. What now?

"You can ask me anything you want, Meagan. I can't promise I won't get upset, but I promise to try not to. OK?"

"Do you think you'll ever accept Dan's baby?"

I winced and bit my lip. I took a deep, slow breath and rubbed my cheek. I needed a shave. Kelly had been talking to her, telling her the things I'd said about Maxine and Dan and this ... baby. Why did she ever introduce those two desperate souls in the first place? Why a retarded girl? I'm so fucking angry with Dan for doing this. So angry with Kelly. And I can't even express my feelings to them without causing more trouble for myself. More heartache. Why did God let this happen? Where is the lesson in this?

"Dad? Did you hear me?"

"Yes, I heard you. I'm just trying to put my thoughts into words."

"OK. I'm not really supposed to be talking to you about this, but Dan is really upset. That's why he hasn't been coming around lately. He's pissed off with you because you won't accept his baby. He's been doing real good lately, Dad. He has. He's really trying hard to be responsible. He pays Mum her rent and he buys things for Maxine - you know, clothes and stuff. He goes to work almost every day. That baby is going to come, Dad, whether you like it or not. Maxine is starting to show. And it's Dan's baby. I think it's going to be a boy, Mum said. It's Dan's son. Your grandson."

Her words found their way to my heart, Ms Journal. But I refused to let them in. My iron-clad heart remained closed.

"One day I will, Meagan. Accept it, I mean. But I'm not ready yet. I'm sorry Dan's angry with me. I'm not particularly pleased with him, either. But I still love him. He's my son. My only son."

"And this baby will be your only grandson."

I felt as though I were talking to Kelly. I decided not to try to defend my position.

"I know," I said. "But I'm not ready to love it yet. Remember two Easters ago when I came to talk with you and Dan and Mum and Tim? I cried because I couldn't bring myself to feel happy about Emily. I didn't want you and Dan to have a half-sister. That was a really hard time for me, Scout. Remember?"

"I remember, Dad. And I also remember how you brought Easter candy for us and even a little plush toy for Emily. Mum was so happy when you did that. Why don't you do that for Dan? Why don't you just buy a little newborn outfit and give it to him? It would mean a lot to him, Dad."

I shook my head solemnly.

"But it would be a meaningless gesture, Meagan. It would be worthless because it wouldn't be genuine. Do you understand?"

"Yeah, but Dan wouldn't know."

"His spirit would know. And I would know. I can't do it, Scout. I can't be phony."

She sighed long and loud.

"He loves you, you know."

"I love him too," I said. "But I need time to come to grips with all this. You'll have to give me time, Meagan. I'll come around eventually. I will. But I'm not able to be happy about this just yet. Tell your brother I miss him. Tell him I still love him. But I need to see that he's doing some growing up."

She nodded her head in silence.

That's it, then, Ms J. That's how I feel. That's the best I can do. For now, anyway.

***