Lately ...

January 8, 2005

Saturday. I exchanged Dan for Meagan last night. Dan was looking forward to spending time in Acton, although God only knows why. I hope it’s just to see his mum and not to gain access to drugs or internet. Kelly promised me there’d be neither.

It was a relaxing day here with Meagan. It’s such a different experience with her than it is with Dan. More peaceful. More comfortable. Less worrisome. We went shopping this afternoon. We went to Wal-mart so Meagan could use the $50. card that her grandma bought her for Christmas. I waited while she made her purchases. Meagan is a careful shopper. She takes her time and chooses only what she really wants. Often, she’ll leave the shop empty-handed when she doesn’t find just the right thing. This afternoon, she bought a little charm bracelet and a few other trinkets. She was very pleased with her purchases.

When we left Wal-mart, we went to a nearby mall to visit a music store. Christine gave both Dan and Meagan gift certificates to spend at HMV. $15. Meagan bought a CD. It carries a “Parent Advisory” sticker. I wish that she’d chosen something nicer, but honestly Ms J, it’s hard to do nowadays. I stood with her at the “Best Sellers” rack and surveyed the music there. There were about a dozen different CD’s; eight had “Parental Advisory” tags on them. Violence and vulgarity are currently popular with kids. I find it disgraceful. But if I forbid my girl from buying that sort of thing, she’ll simply listen to it elsewhere, or download it from a friend’s computer and make her own copy. What can I do but voice my opposition?

After we’d finished our shopping, we drove to Oakville to visit Rose. Rose is a friend of mine. Another one of my many female friends, Ms J. She’s one of the women with whom I sit on the afternoon train to Oakville from Toronto. She told me on Friday that she had an old dresser and asked if I’d like it for Dan’s room. I said yes. So this afternoon, Meagan and I went to fetch it.

It’s not an expensive piece of furniture. It’s not even very nice, actually. But Dan will be thrilled to have a place to put his clothes.

After dinner tonight, I made some cupcakes. We bought a cake mix and some frosting when we were out earlier. Meagan chose the mix and the frosting. Rainbow something-or-other. It would not have been my first choice. Anyway, I baked some cupcakes after dinner. They were terrible. Flat. Gooey. Falling apart. Funny-tasting.

“These are crap, Dad.”

Thank you, Meagan. I wonder what happened?

January 9, 2005

Sunday. Christine dropped by this morning; we went together to church again.

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As I stood shaving in the bathroom this morning, a sudden thought came to me. A tiny thought, it was. A single syllable. Eggs. I forgot to add eggs to that cake mix yesterday. It calls for three.

January 10, 2005

Monday. I took Meagan home last night and brought Dan back to Mimico. He talked about a concert he’d seen on Saturday night in Georgetown. He was still very excited about it. He “owned” the mosh pit, he told me. I tried to understand what a “mosh” pit is, Ms J. But I’m afraid the concept still eludes me somewhat.

As near as I can tell, a mosh pit is a place on the floor in front of the stage, where kids push and shove and jostle each other in a bizarre type of dance that borders on violence. Strange behaviour. Still stranger music. I confess, Ms Journal. It makes no sense to me whatsoever. Torn clothing. Spiked hair. Tattoos and multiple body piercings. Pushing and shoving, and screaming in order to be heard over the unholy din pulsing from the amplified speakers. These kids seem to worship violence and anarchy. At the end of the concert, the guitarist lifted his instrument above his head and swung it hard against the drum set, destroying both it and the bass drum.

“Yeah, Dad. That was the best part! It was awesome!!”

I’m still shaking my head. I’m feeling more and more like my father every day, Ms. J.

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I visited with Girl Alex this morning. She served me scrambled eggs and toast and tea. I took some muffins I had baked. I remembered the eggs this time. We had a nice chat and I drove her to school around noon. Alexandra James is a beautiful young lady.

I wish so much Dan could be a little more …

No. Dan has his own Life to live. He must walk his own path.

We have an appointment to see a doctor tomorrow at St. Joseph’s hospital. On Wednesday, we’re going to see a counselor at LAMP. Lakeshore Area Multi-service Project. My doctor’s office called today with another appointment for Dan. He’s going to see a psychiatrist in New Toronto on February 18. Dr. Sherret.

“Wheels, Dad. Wheels are turning.”

Dear God, I hope so.

Oh and Dan’s dresser? I found it this morning with Dan’s 26 inch television sitting on it. On top of the TV, was a VCR. On top of the VCR, sat Dan’s PS2 console. A huge old clock radio was balanced precariously at the summit. The poor old legs below the dresser were bent and weakened under the weight. We removed the legs and sat the dresser on the floor.

“Yeah, that’s better, eh Dad? Lower is good.”

“Yes, son. Lower is better. Lower is much better. And safer.”