Insomnia

I lay awake at night, Ms J, when I really ought to be sound asleep. I go to work tired in the morning. Dead tired. I need more sleep. But sleep eludes me lately. As usual, the stimulant is worry. Again, and still, the source is my dear ex-wife.

When I married her, I was convinced it was the right thing to do. I was absolutely positive I was doing the right thing. I now realise that, except for Kelly, I was the only one who thought this way. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined how she would change and what she would eventually become. I never dreamt she'd end up living like common trailer trash. I remain shocked and appalled at the things she's done:

Kelly divorced her second husband, and in an act of anger and vindictiveness, had him charged with rape. I don't know many details, but the poor man very nearly went to prison before she recanted her testimony and implored the crown to drop the charges.

Desperate for financial support, she then began a relationship with her husband's ex-friend. Their lack of responsibility resulted in a dangerous pregnancy but thankfully, a healthy child. Kelly's child. Emily is three now. Tim is the father, and although he and Kelly are now no more than room mates, he continues to live there. Poor Tim has few Life skills, a low paying job, and has never lived on his own.

She introduced her son (our son) to a retarded girl and encouraged a relationship between them, a pairing that resulted in the birth of another child. Maxine still lives with Kelly and baby David, but Dan does not. David is fifteen months old.

In the thirteen years since our divorce, my ex-wife has moved at least six times. Each time, Meagan was forced to adjust to a new school and make new friends. Dan too. Indeed, Kelly appears to enjoy chaos and actively seeks it in her Life. Often, in times of relative calm, she actually manufactures bedlam and turmoil. I know this, Ms J. I've seen it!

And now she believes she can earn a living (a handsome one) from the proceeds of sex. No, she does not plan to provide sex per se, only a place for consenting adults to engage in fantasy sex play. Whatever. It's still disgusting. It's still wrong. Immoral. Dirty. What will she teach Meagan? Will my daughter learn that sex is a cheap commodity, a consumer product to be bought and sold? Will she come to understand the sacredness of sex or will she see it as her mother does, as nothing more than playtime for adults? Will she too see the profit to be made and follow her mother's example? Call me conservative, Ms J, but I really don't approve of selling sex as a way to earn a living.

My daughter is fifteen years old, Ms J. She's discovering her own sexuality as she becomes a woman. These are formative years. These teenage years are crucial to her ability eventually to find happiness as an adult, happiness in relationships. There's a whole, great, big, wonderful world out there waiting for Meagan to embrace it. But there are lessons to be mastered along the way. Important lessons.

Will she learn them? Can she learn them? With her mother?

And so I toss and turn in bed, Ms J, twisting the bed clothes round and round myself. I spin, as my father would say, "like the button on a shithouse door." But sleep won't come.

I will place my worries in the hands of Mother God, Ms Journal ... And hope She'll guide us through this mess as She has so often in the past.

I love you, Scout. I love you to the moon and back. Love yourself even half that much, Honey, and you'll be fine.

Please God, please show her the path toward the Light.

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