Sunday with Meagan

Meagan was still in bed when I got home from church. She slept until nearly 1:00. I got her out of bed and prepared lunch for us. Hotdogs. After lunch, I asked Meagan if she would do a bit of yard work for me. She agreed and proceeded to clean up the front garden. She also removed a lot of catnip from the back garden. My yard has become very attractive to the neighbourhood cats, who leave odiferous piles around the lawn to say thank you.

We went for a walk this afternoon. Meagan made light of my infirmity and poked fun at my stiff, clumsy gait. She called me a cripple. That bothered me a bit, but I said nothing. It still bothers me a great deal that she did not visit at all when my leg was broken. I wanted to tell her how hurt I was. I wanted to ask her how she might feel if she were ever badly injured and in pain, and I didn’t even call. But I kept my feelings to myself.


She looks and acts strange, Ms J. But I know that's still Meagan inside. 

After supper, Meagan chatted on the computer to her friends. She told me later, she had chatted with Dan. Clearly, he has access to MSN Messenger on his mother’s computer. I strictly forbade him access to internet chat when he lived here. It was here, on my computer that he got into trouble with the police after threatening to kill a girl in Wisconsin. And it was here later, on MSN chat, that he threatened to kill himself and was hospitalized after inhaling butane and taking pills. But I guess Kelly doesn’t worry about the possibility of a repeat performance.

Kelly didn’t bother calling here to offer any clue about when she might arrive to collect Meagan. Instead, she simply showed up just after 10:00. Then she stood in my foyer and talked until nearly 11:00. She told me about her alcoholic sister. And I didn’t care. She told me about her violent nephew. And I didn’t care. She told me about her boyfriend in Barrie and about Scott, her estranged husband, and about Scott’s daughters and about her cousin and his wife. I couldn’t have been more apathetic if I’d tried. I don’t give a SHIT about Kelly or her sick, twisted and maladjusted relatives and friends. I just don’t care. Frankly, I’m getting tired of pretending I do.

She told me Meagan wanted to get her navel pierced for her birthday next month.

“Scott is really upset about it,” she said. “He thinks she should wait a few years. He thinks she’ll look trashy and cheap.”

“I don’t care …” I began to say, but I stopped myself. I was going to say, “I don’t care what Scott thinks. Scott is not Meagan’s father.” I'm glad I caught myself before I started another fight. I resent that man so much lately, Ms J.

Understand, Scott has been a big part of Meagan’s Life. Dan’s too. He came into their Lives when I was still with Kelly. Scott is the man Kelly was screwing when she was with me. Scott was among the men Kelly was screwing when she was with me. There was an old boyfriend and there was a funny-looking guy she used to visit at his apartment in the city. Kelly even tried to seduce my brother while I was out west on a locomotive engineer’s training course. But I digress.

Scott married Kelly and became the official step-father of Dan and Meagan. Meagan doesn’t remember a time when Scott wasn’t part of her Life. He and Kelly have been apart now about three years or so, but he still sees the kids. He remains friends with Kelly. Despite the fact that she once had him charged with rape and he very nearly went to prison, the man still considers her a dear friend and does what he can to help her out. I remain incredulous, Ms Journal.

I feel very jealous of Scott and his continued involvement in the Lives of my children. These past three months, when Meagan refused to see me, she continued to spend time with Scott. Kelly makes sure I know this. I can’t possibly see my daughter unless someone brings her here. And Meagan didn’t want that. So Scott filled in. Son of a bitch. He has daughters of his own, grown up now. You’d think he might recognize the importance of father/daughter relations, and try to steer Meagan this way just a little. It’s funny, you know. I always liked Scott. I once thanked him for stepping in to do a very difficult and important job when I wasn’t there to do it. That was years ago. That was when he and Kelly were first married. They were together ten years in total.

Daniel had asked his sister to retrieve his stuff when she was here. In his haste to escape this “hell”, Dan had left without his clothes or his stereo or speakers or CD’s or guitar. Or porn collection. Meagan gathered up what she could carry and her mother helped her load it in the car.

When the car was loaded, Meagan returned to the house to say good-bye. She put her arms around my waist and laid her cheek on my chest. I put my lips to her now dark hair.

“I love you to the moon and back, Scout,” I said.

“I love you to the moon and back too, Daddy.”

It was all I could do not to cry.

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