My Monkey Brain

I woke this morning as I do most mornings, with a maelstrom of thoughts crashing round in my head. Here's what's on my mind:

My blog has become boring. Ordinary. Although events here in Mimico (and elsewhere) remain interesting/exciting/stressful/remarkable, I do not feel the freedom to report them as I once did. Too many friends and family now peruse this page with regularity. It's an an odd thing, Ms Journal. I've really enjoyed telling you about my Life and my job, and about my feelings and the people and events that foster those feelings. And of course, my Ego enjoyed the feedback. I always hoped more people would read it. Now that I've got my wish, I'm not happy.

My children continue their struggle to achieve independence. I wish I could offer details here, but I can't anymore. I just can't. Believe me, Ms J, there's suffering there on a number of levels. Disappointment, frustration, and suffering.

Thoughts around the way BBRC abandoned us continue to haunt me. I lay awake every night writing impassioned speeches in my head, speeches I want to deliver to the man who called me a liar and fired me two years ago. I can't let it go, Ms J. I continue to hate him for his cruelty and for his indifference to the pain he inflicted so needlessly on so many good people. I want him to know of the damage he's done. I want to tell him how he spoiled a great job and demoralized a dedicated workforce. Most of all, I want him to care. I wish he could feel compassion for those he hurt. I'd love to hear an apology. But I won't, Ms J. Ever. Powerful people will continue to hurt those who are vulnerable. It's necessary in order to preserve their power. It's been suggested that business has no heart. This business is no different.

I can't tell him these things because sadly, he's still in a position to hurt me. Like a serpent whose fangs remain lethal after the head is severed, he could still harm me even though we no longer work for the same employer. VIA operates trains on BBRC track. If BBRC doesn't want a particular person on their property, they have the right to ban them. I've considered writing a letter to him here, (for myself, Ms J, not for him) but a few ex-workmates now read this blog. Sooner or later, it'll come to the attention of those in power. And my words will return to hurt me.

Freedom of speech, it would seem, is a nebulous concept at times. And the rich and powerful use it to their advantage through intimidation and litigation. I must learn to accept this fact. A better idea would be to write the letter in my private journal. Better and safer.

The best idea would be to forgive and forget. That would be best, Ms J. But that will never happen. Never. BBRC lost a good employee when they fired me. Even after they reinstated me, they never got him back. VIA is the winner here. VIA and me!

Tune in next time for something a bit lighter. I'll tell you all about Colleen and how she sees beyond my scars and bitterness, and loves me anyway.

***