No Word Yet

Friday. My first full week off work. I can’t stop thinking about this. My job and my son and my grandson. I had trouble sleeping last night. Although I felt drowsy and retired to bed at 10:00 last night, it was after midnight when I finally went to sleep. I was awake again at 3:00 and again at 6:00. I finally rose at 8:00 to begin my day. Begin doing what? What shall I do? I could do some housework, I guess. Vacuum and dust. Or not. Maybe I’ll fill the bird feeder again. Or maybe not.

There was a retirement party planned this afternoon at a local pub/rooming house – The Blue Goose. I don’t like that place. It holds unhappy memories for me. I spent a desperately lonely week there in June 2000 after Donna threw me out of our home. No, Ms J, I didn’t fancy attending the party, but I went anyway. A man I’ve worked with many times over the past few years, is retiring, lucky sod. I feel so envious of him. Dad says, “Don’t wish your Life away”, but I honestly wish I was in Carey’s shoes and could leave CN for good and never look back. I stayed for an hour or two, had two pints, and came home.

I phoned The Children's Aid Society today. I waited a couple of hours and when they hadn't returned my call, I walked over to the pub. Of course, they called while I was out and now the office is closed for the weekend.

I was told we’d get word today on our fate at work. Joe phoned. He said he'd spoken with some manager or other.

"They're still gathering evidence," he said. "Maybe next week."

And one month from now, CN plans to begin operating GO trains with only one engineer.

It seems there’s only darkness and fear and foreboding around me lately. I’d like to have something to look forward to, something to feel excited about. But there’s nothing.

I phoned a friend last night to tell her of my decision not to attend her award ceremony on Saturday. She's written a poem for a community arts project and won some acclaim. I told her at first, that I'd go with her, but I've changed my mind. I need to look after my Self this weekend. She was NOT happy.

I told her, “I really need to be with my brother. I need to be in nature and to allow the Spirit to feed my emptiness. I hope you’ll forgive me.”

She was bitter.

“Maybe someday,” she said. “But not right now. I was only asking for an hour of your time, Dale. One lousy hour. This is important to me. You could drive up to your brother’s after the ceremony.”

I honestly thought she’d be more understanding, more forgiving, Ms J. And I told her so.

“I’ve always been ‘more understanding’ when people disappointed me, Dale. I’ve always allowed people to get what they wanted and denied myself, but not anymore.”

I was shocked that she'd be so callous.

“I’m on the verge of LOSING MY FREAKING JOB HERE, WOMAN!!”

“Well, I’m sorry, but you promised me you’d go to this thing with me and now you’re backing out of it.”

I could see it was pointless to discuss it further so I took a couple of slow breaths and calmly said, “I need to do what’s best for me. I know you’re disappointed. I cannot, and will not attend that ceremony on Saturday. I’m going to spend the weekend in the woods with my brother. I’m sorry.”

And I hung up the phone.

If she's the friend I thought she was, she’ll recover. Our relationship will survive. If she cannot see beyond her own needs and just this once, acknowledge my feelings and my need for self care, then she’s not someone I’d consider a friend.

My bag is packed and waiting with my sleeping bag by the door. The route to my brother's house takes me past Kelly's. I think I'll pop in there to visit Dan and Meagan and to ask about Baby David.

I'll see you on Monday, Ms J.

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