Life Propels Me

Things are not always as they seem, are they, Ms J? Sometimes, a bad situation can have a happy ending. Very often, this is the case. Indeed, it was I who once opined that if you're not happy, it's not over.

I don't know about you, but I sometimes feel as though I'm stuck, as though my Life is not moving forward as it should. It could be a relationship that's stalled or perhaps I'm working a job that's become stale. Maybe a change of some kind is in order, but maybe I don't quite know what to do. Sometimes, in Truth, I may not even realise I'm stuck until Life (or The Universe, or God if you will) gives me a push. At the time, it feels like a curse, but later, I discover it to be a blessing.

My separation and subsequent divorce from Kelly is a good example. Another is my divorce from Donna. Even the awful experience of my broken leg last year held wonderful surprises, eventually. If I'm really vigilant, there are often signs that illustrate my predicament and suggest the need for a course correction.

My current assignment at work is a case in point. For the past three or four years, I've been the engineer on "Job 10". There are some forty or fifty assignments in commuter service, each one responsible for the operation of certain trains and specific schedules. Most are split shifts, serving both morning and afternoon rush hours. The system is designed to bring people into the city in the morning and take them home to the suburbs each evening.

The crew of Job 10 take an empty train to Hamilton in the morning. There is ample time for coffee and even breakfast in the Hamilton station coffee shop before departure. This ritual of a sit down breakfast, a cup or two of good coffee and an opportunity to gather my thoughts has become important to me. I found comfort in the routine, in greeting passengers I'd come to know by name, and sharing jokes and smiles. Relaxing for forty minutes before returning to Toronto with two thousand bleary-eyed commuters became a pleasure for me. I knew the girls behind the counter. They knew me. They even named a breakfast sandwich in my honour, "The Dale".

In the afternoon, we'd load our passengers at Union Station in Toronto and make the stops then to Oakville. The other engineer operated the train westward and so I'd sit and visit with four women who I came to call my GO girls. A friendship developed and we'd even gather once or twice a year at someone's home to share a meal, tell stories and laugh.

But you know what, Ms J? I was stuck on that job. I was stuck in a routine that somehow held me back from ... Well, I'm not sure, really. But I know that it was too comfortable, too routine. Too predictable, perhaps. I was comfortably numb there, and quite content never to leave. Then Life intervened. Life intervened on my behalf, to my benefit, and to help me grow. I don't know how, Ms J. Not yet. But I know it must be time to move on. Life is tapping me on the shoulder. I can feel it.

The afternoon train was late on a regular basis. Every day my GO girls would miss their bus connection at Oakville. They tired of it, and now they've gone to ride another train. An earlier train. I don't blame them. I'd have done the same thing. But now I don't see them on my train anymore. Our daily visit was the best part of my afternoon shift on Job 10. And now that part's gone. Tammy still rides that train, but the other three don't and won't anymore I suspect. Tammy's ride only lasts about eighteen minutes. It's just enough time to begin an interesting dialogue and then she has to detrain.

Then, there was the infamous red light incident. AJ is fired. I received ten demerits for ... I don't even know what the hell I did wrong, Ms J, but I got ten anyway just for being there.

Next came Deb. She frightened me so much with her incompetence, I can't bear to work with her.

Today, I learned the coffee shop in the train station in Hamilton has been closed. So no more coffee. No more "Dales". No more jovial banter with passengers.

That was the final straw. I've been working a temporary vacancy on another assignment for a fortnight, but when the regular engineer returns from holidays, I won't go back to my beloved Job 10.

Although I'm sorry to say good-bye to Job 10, I sense it's time to explore other assignments, other trains, and to work with other men. I still hope to see my GO girls on occasion but I guess it won't be every day like before. Bye TammyDot. See you round, Cathy. Take care, Rosie. So long, little Buffy. I don't know what this will mean for our friendship, but I hope we'll stay in touch. We've planned a bbq here at my place on September 30. I'll see you all then, but after that, who knows?

It's funny, you know. I shared a cup of herbal tea with a friend here in Mimico on Monday night. Carolyn. She admitted to feeling stuck too and she's been trying unsuccessfully for many months to affect changes in her world.

I wonder why Life pushes me so but seems to ignore others?

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