On My Mind ...

Morning, Ms J. Lovely morning, eh?

Meagan is still sound asleep in the room across the hall. I drove to Acton to pick her up last night after work. She's had her hair dyed again. This time, it's ... well I'll see if she'll pose for a photograph.

You know, Ms J, a part of me dreads the thought of collecting my daughter. No, it's not that I don't want to see her. My goodness, it's not that at all. It's just that seeing Meagan means seeing the rest of them in that madhouse: Barking dogs - invariably followed by someone screaming at them to "shut up", Tim - the father of Emily, and part of the confused and jumbled mess that comprises Meagan's family, Emily - the adorable little toddler, just twenty months old, who came into Meagan's Life through her mother's careless desperation for a man to provide a penis and a pay cheque, Dan - the disappointment that is my only son, and his girlfriend - Maxine, the young girl whose distended abdomen carries his child. And of course, Kelly. Good ol' Kelly. My ex-wife, the unstable hub of this wonky wheel.

"Come in, Dale," she called from her seat at the dining room table. "We're just finishing dinner. Meagan? If you're finished, gather up your stuff and get ready to go."

A small dog yapped incessantly and leapt against me as I protected my groin.

"LUCY! SHUT UP!" screamed Kelly. "Meagan, please go and get ready. Now!"

Another dog had been locked in the back yard. It too was barking.

"Hi, Dale," Tim said and raised his hand in greeting. He held a fork aloft. It contained food - a meatball I think. "Do you want something to eat? There's lots here."

Before I had a chance to reply, he stood and opened the sliding glass door into the back yard and stuck his head out.

"TOMMY! SHUT THE HELL UP!!"

I kicked at the little cur that still bounced around me. It can't always be like this here, can it, I wondered. Kelly spoke next.

"Tim! Close the door and stop yelling. The neighbours'll think we're crazy."

I raised my eyebrows but said nothing. It was probably too late to worry about what the neighbours might think. Surely they've already come to that conclusion, especially if there's someone named Tommy who lives nearby. Tim closed the door and returned to his dinner plate.

"Dan's not here, Dale," Kelly said. "He's just finishing work right now. I was wondering if you and Meagan could swing by the drug store and pick him up and give him a ride home."

It was a little out of our way, Ms J, but I agreed to do it. Kelly explained, unbidden as usual.

"Yeah, he gets paid today. It's his first pay cheque. I told him he owes me for rent. I want to make sure he gives me my money before he goes and spends it all."

The thought occurred to me that she might consider allowing him a little grace. It was, after all, his first pay cheque. But I had resolved to say as little as possible. Indeed, I had sat quietly in the car outside their home and meditated to centre myself before I knocked on the door. I stared at my ex-wife and blinked.

"And Maxine's going into a home soon so she won't be living here much longer. I saw the ultra-sound pictures from her doctor's appointment. I have them here. D'you want to see them? I think it's a boy. I was hoping for a girl. Girl's are usually healthier. You know, less chance of birth defects and stuff. You want to see the pictures?"

I shook my head and spoke quietly.

"No. Thank you."

I cling to the faint hope that if I deny the existence of this ... situation, it will simply go away. Hope is growing dimmer, Ms Journal. Dimmer each day.

"The doctor says she's about twelve or thirteen weeks. Too late for ... you-know-what."

Meagan stood there cradling her backpack in her arms and turned to face me.

"I had her talked into getting an abortion, Dad. She was going to do it. But when Dan heard about it, he freaked out and said 'no way'."

I suddenly felt overloaded with information. Dogs. Baby. Dan's pay cheque. Abortion. And a "home". What home, I wondered?

"What home, Kelly? What kind of a home is Maxine going to?"

"A home for teen mothers to be. Unwed mothers. They'll teach her Life skills and how to care for a baby. If they don't think she can handle it, they'll recommend the child for adoption. I'm not sure where the place is, or how I'm going to get her there, but that's the plan. If she doesn't change her mind again."

It didn't sound like much of a plan to me. But I kept my promise and said nothing more.

Scout and I looked for Dan on the drive home, but saw no trace of him.

"He's prob'ly gone to a friend's house to celebrate his first pay, Dad," offered Meagan.

Yes, Ms J. He probably went to celebrate with friends. I doubt Kelly will see much rent money this month.

***