Sorry
I was feeling overwhelmed yesterday. Everything is happening at once, Ms J. Everybody wants my time. I mean it's great to be popular. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad my friends want to see me. I'm glad Val wants me in her play. And I'm especially pleased that Meagan may be ready to spent some time with me. I'm not thrilled that Scott will have to drive her here and pick her up, but I'll deal with it. I mostly deal with the little problems Life sets in my path. I mostly do. Most of them, Ms J. Most of the time. But sometimes, Life has a way of setting obstacles in my path that are either too numerous, or that seen insurmountable. In the end, I always manage, somehow. I always manage, don't I?
This play is an obstacle. I never thought I'd ever see a play that way. I love the theatre. I love being on stage. I've said it before. It fills my heart. But right now, when I can't drive and I have to be dependent on people to get me to and from Caledon, this play feels like an obstacle. I feel like an obstacle. Understand, Caledon is not nearby. The rest of the cast all live in Orangeville, ten minutes from the theatre. Diana lives in Caledon East. Val is about 30 minutes away from Caledon. It's just too much to ask them to ferry me back and forth from Mimico every weekend. They rehearse on Tuesdays and Thursdays as well, but I've been excused from weekday rehearsals. Now, if Meagan wants to see me, I'll only have half a weekend to spend with her. And the play will demand part of every weekend from now until the middle of June.
I could be good in this play, Ms J. I was looking forward to doing it. Gilbert's a wonderful role. Indeed, I was part of the committee that selected this play last year. I voted for it in the hope that I might get to play the role of Gilbert.
I just spoke with Jenn. She was very helpful. And, as usual, compassionate.
"Call Val," she advised. "Tell her you just cannot do this play. She'll understand. They'll all understand, Dale. And you'll be surprised at the level of relief you'll feel afterward."
I'm sorry I was so angry yesterday, Ms J. And I'm sorry I've been such a burden to everyone lately. But most of all, I'm sorry I have to drop out of this play. It's just the best thing to do right now, for me. And for The Caledon Townhall Players. If I can't put my heart and soul into this role, I'd give far less than I'm capable of. And my friends at CTHP deserve no less than my very, very best.
I'm not angry anymore, Ms Journal. And I don't feel overwhelmed. But I'm sad right now. Sad and kind of empty.
Mused by Dale @ 8:50 am
At 30 April 2005 at 10:39, 
Anvilcloud said...
At 30 April 2005 at 16:02, Dora said...
At 1 May 2005 at 13:48, magz said...
At 3 May 2005 at 15:38, Gel said...
4 Comments:
Sometimes the things that we love slip fomr our fingers. Sometimes they come back
Your daughter *wants* to see you?
This is good :)
Think of all the ways that you can talk about her and what is happening in her life so that she can feel at the center of attention in your life right now. She's probably tired of playing second fiddle to all of Dan's Drama and could use some attention from you.
its ok to tell her that you miss her but beyond that - - keep the conversation on her alone.
(not Dan, you, her mother, etc)
This can be a beautiful beginning for the relationship that you share.
there will ALWAYS be another play that will feel right to you dear dale, you shall tread the boards many many more times before you're done.
your love for meagan is not abstract but visceral.. and whereas the theathre wants you... she needs you.
both are joys and trials, but your heart is right. i love you my friend and am thinking about you.
A few someone's told me gently not to apologize on my blog. I understand the need to, but that's different than knowing that we all care about *you*: Dale: All parts of you, even though many of us, like me have never met you.
I ache for the physical and emotional pain you've bravely endured. I agree with someone who commented that if this play doesn't feel "Right", give yourself a break. I find that hard with artwork, but the relief is a way to heal.
For ex. I had the opportunity to study w/ a world famous person in my field and recently needed to forego that due to parental responsiblities. I could have forced working it out, but would not have been satisfied and so I sadly, gave up this "might be (notice "might") once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. But you know what, shortly after I firmly (finally) made up my mind, relief bathed me in such comfort. IT was the right action for this time in my life.
I cannot tell you what to do. You feel it inside of yourself, so whatever you decide you have support. Hugs from afar. (((Dale)))
On a different note, I'm glad to read that new beginnings are occuring w/ your daughter. I wish there weren't very rough spots. I will be thinking of you.
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