He Still Loves Me

Dan still loves me. I somehow knew he would, even though I'll confess (again) to a certain amount of unwarranted concern. Here's how my Sunday went:

I went to church in the morning. I haven't exactly been a regular there all summer. But it's September, the kids are back to school, and it's time to re-adjust my Life to the familiar rhythms of fall and winter. Church is part of that routine. It was great to see those friends I haven't seen all summer and chat after the service and get caught up on what's been happening around Mimico.

Linda's sermon made me cry. She spoke about God the father and about His Love for us, His children. She reminded us that God loves each of us, even when we don't love Him. Even when we don't deserve Love. Linda (Rev. Linda, our minister) told us the parable of the lost sheep and how God values even the little ones, the young ones, and the ones who are lost.

I thought of Daniel, my only son. He's eighteen. Sunday was his birthday. My lip quivered. My heart ached for him. My spirit filled suddenly with the knowledge of how much God loves me. And how much I love my son. I allowed myself to feel my hurt, my fear, my shame and I soon tasted the salty tears of pent-up emotion. I didn't even try to hide it. I didn't care who saw me. It was a strange sensation, Ms J. Joyful and sad, all at the same time.

In the narthex, after the service, I offered Linda my hand. Linda is a mother of teenaged kids. She must have seen my tears for she put her arms out and pulled me into a warm embrace. Tight. And for a long moment. No words were exchanged. Sometimes Ms Journal, words are unnecessary.
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I spent the afternoon at the theatre in Caledon. It was the first read-through of "Caught In The Net." The cast and director sat in a circle and read through the play. It's a delightful piece. Lots of energy. Very funny. Very fast-paced. Everyone (especially me!) is keen to get started. The excitement in the room was nearly palpable!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kelly had planned a birthday supper for Dan and I was invited. I was nervous and excited as I made the forty minute drive from Caledon to Acton. "How shall I behave?" What will I say to him?" "Should I try to explain why I behaved the way I did last week?" And more.
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I parked the car on the road and approached the door to their home. I quietly climbed the front step, stood on tip-toes and peered through the window. A smokey grey cat walked by swishing his tail indignantly. I drew a deep breath and tapped gently on the door. Meagan opened it.

"Hi Dad."

She was wearing a pink and black striped necktie like Brittany Speers.

"Hi Scout," I said. "Is Dan here?"

I guess that was a silly question.

"Dad! Of course he's here. It's his birthday. Where did you think he'd be?"

"I'm here Dad."

And there he was. My boy. My great, tall, bearded little boy. Our eyes met and he held my gaze. Then, he put his long arms out and I moved into his embrace. He held me tightly, Ms J. And I hugged him back. For a long time. No tears, though. No words either.

I've discovered that sometimes, with hugs, no words are necessary.

Happy Birthday, Dan. Happy 18th birthday. I love you, son. And I always will.