Close, But Not Too Close

Nick was here briefly this evening. He came to use my computer to send some e-mail.

“Well,” he said, as he descended the stairs. “I finally got the money from the house and I gave Sue her share. She got $194,000. I got $19,000. I guess that’s fair, eh?”

I acknowledged his sarcasm and told him I thought it was pretty unfair.

“Wanna go for a beer?” he asked.

I told him no thanks and he asked me why not.

“Because I’m scared to drink with you, Nick. I’ve seen you drunk and I don’t like it when you get that way. You’re too weird. Too unpredictable.”

He seemed to accept that and as he left, he said, “I won’t see you at work tomorrow morning.”

“How come?” I asked.

“I’m taking the morning off. I don’t have to go to work until four o’clock tomorrow afternoon.”

I knew what he was going to do, Ms J. He was going to get drunk. He was going to try to drown his sorrow in beer. Again.

“You behave yourself, Nicholas,” I called after him.

“Yeah,” he said, but it didn’t sound very convincing.

A few minutes ago, the phone rang. It was Nick. He sounded angry.

“When you said you were scared of me when I’m drunk, what did you mean? That was pretty vague. I have never harmed a single soul, either drunk or straight.”

Thoughts swirled through my head. Yes, you have hurt people, Nick, I thought. You’ve hurt yourself. You’ve crashed your car, gotten yourself in trouble with the police, picked up a dirty woman and risked infecting yourself with God knows what. That’s only in the past two weeks. And I have no reason to believe your drinking wasn’t a factor in the demise of your marriage.

But I didn’t say any of that.

Instead, I said, “That’s what I said, Nick, but that’s not really what I meant. I think it’s closer to the Truth to say that I feel your drinking is harmful. You drink too much and it does you more harm than good. I don’t want to drink with you because I don’t want to encourage you. I can't support that kind of behaviour.”

He never missed a beat before replying.

“Yup. Maybe that’s the reason why I’m getting divorced. Anyway, that’s all. Bye.”

Further conversation seemed pointless, Ms J. Besides, he was upset with me and I didn’t want a confrontation. I felt a little uncomfortable.

“Sorry, Nick. But that’s my Truth.”

“Yeah. OK. Bye.”

“Bye, Nick.”

I waited a second before I pressed the Off button and ended the call.

I remember those days, Ms Journal. I will never forget the feelings of loss. Anger. Bitterness. Fear. Loving her and missing her one minute, and the next minute hating her and wishing her dead. I remember getting drunk once alone at a strip club. I tried to pick up a stripper but she milked me for all my money and then disappeared. Clearly, alcohol was not the answer to my troubles.

I longed for a line of speed, ached for it, and cried because I knew I couldn’t have it. Ever again. Ever. I smoked more than fifty cigarettes a day back then. I smoked all day and through many sleepless nights. I smoked until I gagged as I inhaled it. I smoked once until I vomited.

I was desperate for Love, desperate to feel a human touch. I wanted so badly to prove that I was still attractive to the opposite sex. I once rented a hotel room and paid for a hooker. I wanted to talk with her but she only wanted to satisfy me so she could take the money and run off to her next customer. She got angry with me so I paid her and sent her on her way. Then I cried.

It was a horrible time, Ms J. It was a terrible, horrible, miserable time. It was the summer of 2000, six years ago, but it feels like yesterday. I came through it though, stronger than ever before. I’ll try to be patient with my friend. I must allow Nick the time it takes first to hurt and then to heal. It’s a long, painful road, poor bastard.

A friend cautioned me recently against getting too close.

"The company we keep has a great influence on us whether we realize it or not. They have the ability to drag us down to their level without us even knowing it," she wrote. "Your friend 'Nick' is drowning very fast, Dale. You have the choice to go down with him or not. I love you Dale and I do not want to see you go backward with your life. You have worked too hard to get to where you are now."

She's right, you know. It would be pretty easy to lower myself to Nick's level. It would be easy, too damned easy, to return to drugs. But I won't do that, Ms J. I can't allow that to happen. I love myself too much. Friends show me daily that I'm important and that my Life has value. Friends like you, dear Frankie.

Please don't worry about me. I may get close to Nick, but I promise to maintain a healthy distance from his unhealthy Lifestyle.

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