Wednesday. I met Murray Sealey this morning at the church. Murray is an old man who’s attended Wesley Mimico United Church for more than seventy years. Seventy years! We worked together to clean the leaves out of the eaves troughs. Murray held the ladder while I climbed up twenty feet to the eaves. I’m not too comfortable up that far from the ground. I found myself humming a hymn as I worked. “Nearer My God To Thee”

We worked for two hours and finished the job. Then I ran over to the coffee shop at the bottom of Superior Ave to meet Carol. I haven’t seen her for more than a week. I’ve been busy, Ms J, haven’t I?

She told me a lot about herself this time. She talked about her struggles and her successes. She talked about her fears and about her regrets. In that moment, I found her very attractive. I was sitting there, at a corner table in the coffee shop, with a tent in my track pants.

"I'm finding you quite attractive right now, Carol. Enticing, actually."

I reached across the table and took her hand in both of mine.

"I'd really like to go back to your place," I said.

And holy tent pole, did I ever mean it!

She looked at her watch and offered a sad smile.

"I have to meet a friend in half an hour, Dale."

Arrrrgggg!!!

Carol sure is moving slowly with our relationship. Normally, it doesn’t really bother me and I respect her choice to go slow. But this morning, WOW!

Carol has been hurt. Badly. She’s was left alone with very little money to raise three young children. It was a long time ago, I know. The children are grown now and married. Carol is a grandmother. She has fashioned a Life for herself that includes her family and a few close friends. And no one else. She’s afraid of falling in Love. She’s reluctant to allow her Life and her heart to become entangled with those of someone else.

Like me, Carol has become accustomed to living alone. It’s safe. Secure. No risk. No disappointments. No compromises. No need to share.

I think Carol could easily live out the remainder of her Life, without taking a partner. She could carry on quite nicely, probably, without a lover. And you know what, Ms Journal? So could I.

But I’d rather not.

Surely there must be another soul on this planet with whom I could share my Life and my heart. Someone who could be a close friend and companion, a confidante, both teacher and student, and, as a delightful bonus, a lover.

Maybe I’ll find that in Carol. Maybe I won’t. Maybe in Cindy, Jenn’s mother-in-law. Maybe not. But don’t I owe it to myself at least to investigate these possibilities? I think the answer is yes.

Let me share something with you.

Here’s a page from my personal journal. January 1, 2004. I was writing about my dear friend, Christine. She'd been here for dinner that evening:

One of the reasons I feel so close to Christine is because she’s just like me. She knows full well what she needs, but like me, like most of us, she’ll ignore it in favour of what she wants. It’s quite remarkable how much we’re governed (and limited) by our desires and our aversions.

I wish you happiness, Christine. You know where to find it. You know it’s not “out there” somewhere, but rather, inside you. In your heart. In your Self. The soul is the seat of contentment. That’s where you’ll discover what you need. That’s where you’ll find things like Self-love, Self-confidence, Self-worth. And peace.

Ultimately, Life is more a journey than a destination. We all end up in the same place, eventually. We all return to the earth, whence we came. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.

“Life is a journey. Enjoy the ride.”

Thanks for sharing the ride with me, Steenie! It’s good to have company on a long trip. It’s hard to steer a course, and read the charts, and mind the sand bars and rocky shoals. Sometimes the weather is inclement. Cold. Dark. Stormy. Yes, it’s always wise – indispensable really, to have a friend along to help.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And what about me, dear Ms Journal? Is my Life on course? Do I avoid sand bars and rocky shoals by staying far out to sea? Am I seeking safety by avoiding unfamiliar waters? I don’t have a lover. I spent New Years Eve alone. It felt alright to do so. It felt good, actually. Comfortable.

Will I ever find love? Will it ever find me, if I don’t steer a course that brings me closer to shore? Into shallower waters? Toward terra incognita?

If I stay home, or if I only associate with women who are unavailable, I avoid disappointment, heartache, embarrassment. My friends are mostly women: married women, lesbians, women to whom I’m not physically attracted, and women with whom I enjoy purely platonic relationships.

I could have had physical relationships with a few different women last year – Bev, Lynn, Jackie W. Maybe JJ. But that’s not what I want. Not only sex. I want that to be a part of a deeper, more spiritually connected relationship. So I wait. I wait for Love to find me.

Do I need to take a more active role in this, Ms J? Should I be out looking for Ms Right? I’m not sure what the answer is. I just know that in the meantime, I’ll be happy. I’ll continue to live Life the best way I can. Life is a precious gift, God-given. It would be a terrible shame to squander something so beautiful and so finite.

I write this phrase now for the first time in 2004. It won’t be the last.

“I love my Life.”

Thanks be to God.