Unpopular Decisions

I'm a new father and, as I said, Ms J, I don't know what I'm doing.

We had a good day yesterday. After work, I took Meagan shopping for school supplies. We bought pens and paper and pencil crayons and binders and note pads, even a lock for her new locker. She was pleased. Later, we joined Colleen and Ivy for Chinese food at a nearby restaurant. We ate til we were stuffed. It all went well. Later, at home, I spoke what had been on my mind all day.

"I've been thinking about your plan to see RJ this weekend, Meagan," I said. "I've been thinking it might be best to stay home here instead and get ready for school on Monday."

She was shocked. Gob-smacked, I think, is the expression they use across the pond. I'd caught her completely off guard.

"But Dad," she said, "I haven't seen him all week."

I listened to her protests but remained firm. She will not be seeing him this weekend. I know she cares deeply for the boy. I know he cares for her. But I don't think it's healthy to be so utterly dependant on anyone. Not at her age. Not at fifteen. Perhaps, not ever. School must be her main focus. And she needs to get herself on a proper sleep schedule.

"How can you do this?" she asked. "I wait all week to see him. I look forward to the weekend so I can go to Georgetown and see my friends. I live like a hermit here all week."

The tears began to flow then, Ms J, but not hysterical tears like her mother's. These were quiet tears, tears of real sadness and disappointment. I wanted so badly to help her, to take her pain away and restore her bright smile. But there was nothing more to say.

"I'm sorry, Meagan."

"Don't say you're sorry, 'cuz you're not."

I turned from her and went to bed and I could hear her crying softly from her bedroom.

It feels like the right thing, Ms J. It feels like I'm caring for my daughter and doing what a good daddy does.

Why then does it hurt me so?

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